Scripture: James 4:6
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 01
Do you remember the train derailment (picture) in East Palestine, Ohio last February? A total of 38 train cars derailed near the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. It included 11 tank cars carrying toxic materials that caught on fire. Five of those derailed train cars were carrying 115,000 gallons of vinyl chloride, a deadly chemical. It’s estimated that the US averages one chemical accident every two days. That derailment cost the company, Norfolk Southern, nearly a billion dollars. We all know about the danger of toxic spills, but what about the danger of toxic people?
We’re starting a new series, Dealing with Toxic People. The cost is immeasurable. We’re surrounded by toxic people. Because we’re all sinners, we, ourselves, are toxic at some level, usually more than we know. So, Toxic People are Ubiquitous. Ubiquitous simply means everywhere at the same time: constantly encountered. In other words, Toxic People are everywhere.
If God wanted to keep us from dealing with toxic people, He would have taken us out of this world. Instead, God wants us in the world yet not of the world. 1 John 4:4 says, “Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”
Instead of the toxicity of the world contaminating us or destroying us – Jesus wants us in the midst of the toxicity, but not contaminated by it. His grace is enough for us. As James 4:6 says, “But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’.”
Jesus commanded us to “Be the salt of the world.” Too much salt can be a toxin, yet it also purifies, cauterizes and brings healing. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis (pictures) said that the Christian is like an infection, a good infection. We’re to infect the world with Jesus Christ and bring healing from the toxicity of sin. We overcome toxicity with the gospel. Jesus died to heal us. His grace overcomes the toxicity of this world and in us.
Please understand toxic people aren’t just difficult people and they’re definitely not just “unsaved” people. A Christian is capable of nearly any sin.
They’re not even merely unpleasant people. The toxic people that we’ll be talking about in our series deflate your enthusiasm and can make you feel like you’re going crazy. They’re masters at eliciting shame, guilt and discouragement. For the believer and a local church, if left unchecked, they can take you down and destroy your mission.
The challenge is that there’s no one exhaustive definition of a toxic person, though certain traits are common. They’re ruled by selfishness or spite. They’re draining instead of encouraging. They use people and may want to control you. It can feel like they want you to stop being you.
Now I’m not a medical doctor. Most of us aren’t. So, if someone has a broken arm, I can take them to a doctor’s office and show them empathy, but it would be irresponsible to think that I could heal them. That kind of assistance is above my training and experience. I’m likely to make things worse if I get overly involved. When someone is truly toxic, most of us will be in over our heads. You can try all you want but thinking that you can be the one to break through is more likely to frustrate you than to change them. Only God and the gospel can truly transform a toxic person.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll examine different types of toxicity. We’ll be doing it though from a biblical worldview with God’s Word as our resource. There are many good counselors out there and we’re thankful for them. God though wrote the original blueprint. Yet, we don’t want to force Scripture to fit into our psychology, like one preacher preaching on John 21 did. He suggested that the sea in which the disciples labored in such futility represented the unconscious mind. Throwing the nets over the right side of the boat means the right-brained, more creative approach. Uh, that’s nuts.
Toxic people demonstrate a lack of a relationship with God and His way of living. The only cure is the gospel and God’s Word. If you’re taking notes…
1. We need to be aware of when someone is toxic.
God designed us to be in relationships. We know from experience that relationships can be hurtful or healing. Healthy relationships are essential for us to flourish. They’re part of our design by God. Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.”
But what are healthy relationships, and how do we find them? Henry Cloud and John Townsend (picture) answer that question in their book, Safe People (picture). While none of us are perfectly safe relationally speaking, Christ-followers desire to become safer individuals. In addition to developing the ability to recognize these things in ourselves and working to change, we need to know how to identify the unsafe people in our lives.
For example, a safe person helps you draw closer to God. They help you grow as a person and Christ-follower. They accept you as God designed you and love you unconditionally. When they’re wrong, they apologize and change their behavior. Safe people help us become contributors, nurturing our gifts, talents and abilities.
On the flip side, a toxic person is someone who may start off looking like a safe person, but over time, they show they have no room for grace, forgiveness, or your individuality. They won’t admit their weaknesses and are defensive instead of being open to feedback. They may apologize but never actually change. They demand trust instead of earning it. In fact, they damage our trust muscle. They erode our capacity to invest in ourselves and others. They hurt our ability to grow in flawed areas of our own lives.
Take failure for example. Safe people help you heal your wounds and don’t beat you up for failing. They identify with us. Toxic people do the opposite. They make failure worse. They never forget that you blew it and certainly won’t let you forget it. They don’t understand forgiveness and restoration.
Be cautious about labeling someone too quickly. Most of us aren’t qualified to make a professional diagnosis. Counselors will tell you that spouses who chronically battle are especially known for labeling their mate.
Jesus warned, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2). It’s tempting to label those who get on our nerves, make us uncomfortable or aren’t our “kind of people,” and dismiss them. But we may be missing an opportunity to grow past some of our own sinful behaviors, weaknesses, fears, faults, or insecurities.
In a healthy Christian community, we all have different personalities and styles of relating. Just because someone bugs us, it doesn’t make them toxic. It’s a sin to think that others are sinning because they have a different style of relating than we do. That’s pride. We’re making ourselves the standard that everyone else should follow when Jesus is the true standard.
While sometimes knowing where someone fits or a “label” helps, the question is: What’s our motive? If we label someone, we must not be seeking to harm them. As Christ-followers, we’re seeking to understand them, help them and discern best how to serve God and them.
Labeling can be very destructive. We must be cautious in calling someone toxic. It can needlessly injure their reputation. Our Catholic friends call this “the sin of detraction.” It’s purposefully trying to lessen someone’s reputation. Detraction is the sin of revealing another person’s faults to a third person without a valid reason, thereby hurting the reputation of that person.
Louis of Granada (picture), writing in the 16th century, (picture) said that detraction is so evil because it “consists in the threefold injury which it inflicts—namely, on the one who speaks, on him who listens with approval, and on the victim who is assailed in his absence.” One sin, three casualties!
A church or small group can be torn apart in a few weeks if detraction goes on unchecked. We must not participate in detraction by speaking it or listening to it. Louis of Granada wisely adds, “Consider your neighbor’s character as a forbidden tree which you cannot touch…Speak of the virtues of your neighbor, but be silent as to his faults.” Often labeling is just gossip. Dr. Steve Wilke (picture) paints gossip honestly. “Gossip is when you talk about somebody else when they are not part of the problem or solution.”
The bottom line is that we must be very cautious with labels. They’re to help, not hurt. That was the motive of why both Jesus and the Apostle Paul used labels to describe others. In the interest of your own mental health and ministry effectiveness, it’s helpful to learn about labels. Hopefully, they can help us rely more on God’s grace and develop a redemptive strategy.
2. Toxic people can distract us from our mission.
It’s not just that toxic people are a hassle. The greatest problem is that they distract us from our God-given mission. Our tendency is to focus on the hurt or frustration they bring into our lives. But for a Christ-follower, the price is much higher – they distract us from our mission. We can get so busy putting out little fires, we lose time, focus and energy on what’s important and has eternal significance.
For example, if your mom is a control-freak, it can distract you from your mission. You let it steal your peace and neglect other healthier relationships.
Every church periodically deals with a toxic person. If you’ve been around the church very long, you know that these individuals drain the life out of the passion for ministry and serving the Lord. Sadly, if they get a platform there are folk who get hurt and leave the church never to darken its doors again.
My experience has been that those most hurt in a local church by a toxic person are young Christians. They are often wounded and become disillusioned. We must take Jesus’ warning very seriously. “But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea” (Matthew 18:6).
Many of us are enmeshed with a toxic person before we know what’s happening. We’re surprised that there are actually people like that. It can be a tough pill to swallow. Let me quote Henry Cloud again, this time from his book, Necessary Endings (picture). “If you are a responsible and loving person, then you might assume that other people are like you—responsible and loving. They do the right thing, taking responsibility for themselves, for their mistakes, for their work. And they care about other people and how their actions affect those people…So doesn’t it make sense that everyone else would be like you and really care?
Sure, if you lived on Mars. But this is planet Earth. And if you are going to succeed in life and business, you need to succeed on this planet, not Mars.”
The Bible is our handbook for marriage, family, work, relationships…and dealing with sin and toxic people. A continual storyline is of those who were successful in spite of the opposition of very toxic people. It’s shocking how though they were attacked, they persevered and accomplished their mission. People of faith like Moses, David, Esther and a man by the name of Nehemiah. Nehemiah is a model for all of us on how to stay on mission even while under attack.
With the time we have left, we’re going to do a flyover of the book of Nehemiah. His name literally means “God has comforted.” His very name reveals that the words in his book can bring comfort. Here we find hope and so much more. His book guides us on how to overcome troubles and trust God while teaching us how to deal with toxic opposition. His prayer life, leadership, and faithfulness are our models.
The book of Nehemiah opens with news of the dire condition of the wall surrounding Jerusalem. But Nehemiah is far away. He’s a slave for a foreign king in Persia in 444 BC. He prays fervently for God to intervene and ends up as governor of Jerusalem, supervising the repairs of the wall himself.
But he has opposition. Why? Why was rebuilding the wall, as opposed to the temple, which was completed sixty years before, so significant? Because the temple had religious significance, but the wall around Jerusalem had political significance. It was a civic statement which is why it required the permission from the king, which Nehemiah received from Ataxerxes.
As soon as news of this project was learned, local anti-Jewish leaders rose up with an evil agenda to halt the rebuilding of the wall. Nehemiah 4:1-2, “Now when Sanballat heard that we were building the wall, he was angry and greatly enraged, and he jeered at the Jews. And he said in the presence of his brothers and of the army of Samaria, ‘What are these feeble Jews doing? Will they restore it for themselves?…Will they revive the stones out of the heaps of rubbish, and burned ones at that?’” Nehemiah rightly recognizes this as a toxic attack. Look at what these toxic enemies do.
Toxic people mock and ridicule. The words may seem innocent, but the tone conveys so much more. Mocking is a subtle form of a verbal assault. Victims can be traumatized by the initial attack, then invalidated and left with unresolved emotions that create stress. It’s thought that stress is at the core of most illnesses. Mockers use caustic humor to covertly engage in social bullying. That’s what these thugs do to Nehemiah.
So, how does Nehemiah respond? He ignores them. One of our favorite TV shows was Madam Secretary (picture) with Tea Leoni. In it, Elizabeth McCord is the US Secretary of State. She deals with heads of state, terrorist attacks, humanitarian crises, natural catastrophes, and more. When facing crazy stressful situations, manipulation, and literally insane people, Madam Secretary seems to float above it all. Non-reactive. Absorbing. Processing. Even when surrounded by unreasonable people, she makes clear decisions, and then she stands by the choices she makes. That’s Nehemiah. It’s how we’re to handle toxic people. We ignore them and stay on track.
Toxic people try to deceive us. Nehemiah 6:1-2: “Now when Sanballat and Tobiah and Geshem the Arab and the rest of our enemies heard that I had built the wall and that there was no breach left in it (although up to that time I had not set up the doors in the gates), Sanballat and Geshem sent to me, saying, ‘Come and let us meet together at Hakkephirim in the plain of Ono.’ But they intended to do me harm.” They invite Nehemiah to the plain of Ono. At first, it seems like a reasonable request. Ono was an equal distance between Samaria, where Sanballat lives and Jerusalem, where Nehemiah is (Map). Seems like a perfect place for an architectural symposium. Let’s talk wall. How did you do it? And Sanballat, I’m sure, has some color palettes he wants to bring to the meeting. Let’s add a splash of color to the wall. Let’s make a style statement to take it to the next level. So, let’s talk.
But Nehemiah Google Maps the trip. It’s about 27 miles on horseback, a full day’s journey. The plain of Ono is flanked by Samaria and Ashdod, both enemy territories. Nehemiah’s security detail gives him the look, “No, no. You’re not going to say yes to this. All the intel is bad. It’s a trap.”
Adding to the danger is the distraction. Nehemiah sends a message in verse 3, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it to come down to you?” But they keep badgering him, at least four times. They’re trying to deceive him so they can ambush him. It’s a distraction from his God-given mission and Nehemiah doesn’t fall for it.
Toxic people try to divide us. First, they seek to deceive him. Now they seek to divide his support. In verses 5-9, they accuse Nehemiah of leading an insurrection. They craft their accusation with an awareness of Jewish messianic hopes. It sounds plausible.
They try to create a division between Nehemiah and King Artaxerxes. Sanballat tries to drive a wedge by lying about Nehemiah’s true intentions. If he can do that, Artaxerxes will turn on Nehemiah and shut the whole thing down. That’s how toxic people work — divide and conquer.
I love Nehemiah’s response. It’s so straightforward. “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind” (Nehemiah 6:8).
Alistair Begg (picture) is the pastor of Parkside Church, a large church in Cleveland. Like most pastors, he receives crazy accusations and charges. He’s also Scottish with a Scottish wit. Rather than engage false accusers, he sends them a note with Nehemiah 6:8 written on it. “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind.”
Mark it down. You can’t reason with toxic people. Don’t be intimidated by them but please don’t engage them. Recently, I saw this quote on Facebook. “When someone disagrees with you online and demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, you can save a lot of time by not doing that. Dude, I’ve known you for 10 seconds & enjoyed none of them. I’m not taking homework assignments from you.” You never win by engaging with toxic people.
Toxic people try to disqualify us. “Now when I went into the house of Shemaiah the son of Delaiah, son of Mehetabel, who was confined to his home, he said, ‘Let us meet together in the house of God, within the temple. Let us close the doors of the temple, for they are coming to kill you. They are coming to kill you by night.’ But I said, ‘Should such a man as I run away? And what man such as I could go into the temple and live? I will not go in.’ And I understood and saw that God had not sent him, but he had pronounced the prophecy against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him” (Nehemiah 6:10-12). First toxic people deceive, and then divide and try to distract us from the mission. And thirdly, they attempt to disqualify us.
Apparently, Shemaiah was someone Nehemiah trusted, because he went to his home. But he quickly realized Shemaiah had been hired to feign a disability and warn Nehemiah of these threats, and then lead him into the temple for safety. That would do two things. It would send a message that the work is in danger, that Nehemiah is afraid and would shut things down.
It could also disqualify Nehemiah, not only out of fear, but out of a Jewish ritual defilement. Nehemiah is a layman, not a priest. He’s most likely a eunuch. As a eunuch, according to Leviticus 21, he wasn’t allowed to go into the holy place in the temple. Shemaiah is attempting to disqualify him as a leader. “See, you’re afraid and you’re ritually defiled.”
But again, Nehemiah’s response is wise and decisive. “I’m not going to run away and I’m not going to tempt God.”
These are the four ways Nehemiah was targeted. Let’s summarize a few side lessons about toxicity from this account. First, toxic people can be superficially friendly. Notice Sanballat and his friends invited Nehemiah. “Come on, let us meet together.”
Secondly, they think they’re clairvoyant. What do we mean, clairvoyant? They act like they have powers to see what others can’t see. They believe they know your motives. “I know why you’re doing that, Nehemiah.” They think that they know your intentions better than you know your own intentions. There’s a delusional aspect to their thoughts. It’s why Nehemiah said, “You are inventing them out of your own mind.”
Toxic people think things that don’t mirror reality. Their insecurities are like a giant magnet pulling together shards of truth and untruth into a distorted image. Their reality filter is warped. But sadly, toxic people lack the humility to doubt their own thoughts. All of us periodically think crazy things. But by God’s grace, our humility says, “No, that might not be true. I probably should check on that.” Toxic people arrogantly assume that what they’re thinking are the facts.
Then, they’re relationally disruptive. They have an amazing ability to continue to pursue what they want even if they don’t get what they want, as long as you don’t get what you want. They rarely give up. You won’t outlast them, so don’t engage them. Ignore them and stay on mission. Refuse to be distracted. Nehemiah says, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down” (Nehemiah 6:3).
Nehemiah continually realigned himself to the mission, to the call and work of God. He knew what his mission was and stuck to the task.
Conclusion
When we’re dealing with toxic people, we’re often not dealing with reality…we’re instead dealing with their reality. Hermann Goering (picture) was head of Germany’s Luftwaffe (luft-va-fa) during World War II. Sometime in 1942 or 1943 Goering was incensed with General Adolph Galland (picture), commander of Nazi fighter planes, for reporting to Hitler that several American fighter planes had been shot down over Aachen.
Galland told Goering that it was a true report, but Goering was obstinate: “That is simply not true. It’s impossible.” He couldn’t believe that the American fighter planes had gotten so deep into Germany.
Galland challenged Goering to go to Aachen and see for himself that the downed planes were there. Goering then tried a more diplomatic approach, urging Galland to admit that he’d made a mistake. But Galland wouldn’t budge, so Goering ended the debate: “I officially assert that that the American fighter planes did not reach Aachen.” Galland entered one last eye-witness objection, “But, Sir, they were there!” And then Goering lost it, as he pontificated, “I herewith give you an official order that they weren’t there! Do you understand? The American fighters were not there!” And off Goering stalked. Never mind the evidence. Never mind the facts. Never mind eye-witness testimony. Goering was going to believe what he wanted to believe. That’s the way toxic people think, reason, and argue. Don’t confuse them with the facts and mess with their imagined reality.
So, what can we learn? What are the Take Home Truths?
Take responsibility for your side of the situation. The first step in dealing with toxic people is to examine our own hearts to see if anything we are doing is contributing to their toxicity James 4:17, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”
Do an honest appraisal of your own life if you have lots of toxic relationships. Jim Rohn (picture) said, “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”
If you find that you’re continually encountering toxic people, or you’ve asked yourself why you seem to attract so many negative social situations, maybe you need to evaluate yourself? Maybe you attract toxicness because you’re toxic at some level.
Look in the mirror of God’s Word. James 1:22-24 says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.” The first place to look for wisdom and how to have healthy relationships is in the mirror of God’s Word. It’s not always comfortable but it’s where we must start. Your relationships, your soul will only be as healthy spiritually and emotionally as you are. So, when you see sinful behavior or motives inside yourself, confess them and address them.
It might be wise to invite mature Christ-followers who know and care about you to give you honest feedback. As I was studying for this series, one author suggested that you ask those close to you: How do experience me?
We often don’t know what we’re communicating. Mature believers who love us can be a resource of honest and godly feedback to help us grow.
We must take the pain of others seriously. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). The local church is a body. A body hurts when one part of it hurts. Toxic pain thrives in the shadows. Healing happens in the light. We need to listen to those hurting and care. God has called us to be part of His healing of the pain and trauma of others.
Romans 12:9-11 says, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.” It’s an ambitious and often convicting standard for love in a church family. Love should be genuine, not forced or pretended. Love should be affectionate—something that’s more than just willpower. Love should honor those it loves, not denigrating them as charity cases. And it should be zealous, persistent through struggle. How on earth can we do this? Paul’s next words are insightful, “Rejoice in hope” (Romans 12:12).
There’s real joy when we see the Lord beginning to heal and shine in those around us at church, even if it’s embryonic. It’s a joy powered by hope. We must learn to love the beginnings we see in our church family of Jesus’ healing and His glory, trusting that there’s more going on that we can’t yet see. As we do, we’ll learn to love our brothers and sisters with the affection of Christ…and we’ll be there for the hurting and wounded.
The only hope for toxic people and toxicness in our own lives is the Cross. We must accept the gospel and then live in the gospel. When the room is spinning and everything seems chaotic, you must move to what you know is true. God’s Word is always true. It’s a sure anchor for our souls!
We are great sinners; God is a great Savior. Toxic people haven’t yet learned the truth of God and His loving nature.
I’m so thankful that Jesus loved and died for toxic people. But they aren’t just out there, they’re here in our churches. We believers struggle with being toxic, too. We help ourselves and others if when we’re convicted of it, we confess and repent of it. We must embrace God’s grace and live out the gospel.
Toxicity is the disease. The gospel is the only true cure. If we want real healing, we must let the gospel heal us first and then share God’s gracious truth with others.