Scripture: Ruth 1:18-21
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 05
Everyone knows what December 25th is, but do you know what December 26th is? It’s National Whiner’s Day (picture). No, I’m not making this up. On December 26th everyone is encouraged to complain about anything that is bothering them, which is understandable, as Christmas can be so stressful.
Too tired? Overate too much? Dreading going back to work? Didn’t get the gift that you wanted? Return lines too long? Then, whine away.
Rev. Kevin Zaborney (picture) came up with National Whiner’s Day in 1986. He really wanted people to be grateful for what they have instead of being unhappy about what they don’t have. He started National Whiner’s Day after observing many people whining non-stop the day after Christmas.
National Whiner’s Day is perfect for those who suffer from The Victim Mentality but it’s not just one day a year, it’s 365 days of the year.
We live in a society where almost everyone can claim victim status. Americans are flocking to various self-help groups where they focus on how the traumas from their pasts have impaired their lives. Every sort of problem and even criminal behavior is being excused because the person was a victim.
One of the most famous was the Mendez brothers. In August of 1989, José and “Kitty” Menendez were shot to death in their Beverly Hills home. Their sons, Lyle and Erik Menendez, (picture) admitted to murdering their parents because they said that their parents had abused them.
Recently, I read Friends, Loves, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry (picture). It’s a tragic book. In it, Perry blamed everyone and anyone for all his addictions and failed to take any responsibility.
The Victim Mentality isn’t new. Throughout the pages of Scripture, we find those who succumbed to it. Sandwiched in the Old Testament is a wonderful four-chapter book, the book of Ruth. It’s a wonderful romance story and a picture of someone suffering from The Victim Mentality.
A main character is Naomi, who changed her name to “Mara”, which means bitterness (as opposed to “Naomi” which meant sweet). Naomi had lost her husband and two sons, her whole family. Broken, lost and destitute, she returns to her hometown in Bethlehem from the foreign land of Moab. But she doesn’t return alone…her Moabite daughter in-law, Ruth, accompanies her.
Turn to Ruth 1:18-21 (p. 208). “And when Naomi saw that [Ruth] was determined to go with her, she said no more. So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, “Is this Naomi?” She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?’”
During the time of the Judges, a famine swept through the land of Israel. So, Naomi’s family, her husband, Elimelech and their two sons fled to Moab. There, her two sons (Mahlon and Chilion) married Moabites. This family violated God’s plan by leaving the Promised Land and now make it worse by marrying Moabites, Orpah and Ruth. It was about this time that Israel was being oppressed by many foreign powers, including the Moabites.
We don’t know how Naomi’s family members died. It’s apparent that her sons didn’t die of old age, as their deaths left her very embittered. An extra-biblical text suggests they died because they took pagan wives and moved to a foreign land, instead of trusting God’s providence in Israel.
No matter what the causes of their deaths, Naomi returns home to Bethlehem, and she’s bitter. She’s not just bitter. She’s decided that God didn’t love her. She believed that God had abandoned her. She was going home to Bethlehem alone without her husband or sons.
Amazingly, her foreign daughter-in-law, Ruth, (picture) insists that she go with her and leave her homeland of Moab. Naomi tries to talk her out of it but finally relents, begrudgingly allowing her to come. Naomi is the poster child for The Victim Mentality. So, what do we need to know about The Victim Mentality? If you’re taking notes…
1. What is the victim mentality?
Someone defined “a victim mentality as a pattern of unreasonable beliefs or assertions that one is a victim of others. It usually includes three types of thinking:
First, the bad things in your life are not your fault, but exclusively because of what other people have done to you. This mindset believes that you’re not responsible for your own actions and attitudes.
Second, a victim mentality includes getting stuck in negative thought patterns. If you play the victim, you may be characterized by a chronic “woe is me” kind of self-pity.
Third, the victim mentality sees the world through the lens of your own struggles. All the events of life are orchestrated against you. Whatever happens in the world or in your circumstances, a victim mentality sees those circumstances as directed against yourself.
A victim mentality is a type of thinking Christ-followers must avoid. The Bible teaches that we are responsible for our behavior and choices, Romans 14:12: “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.” In fact, you can be a true victim and not have a victim mentality. The Bible and Church History are filled with examples. No one has to have this destructive thinking, even if you’ve been abused or mistreated.
What’s more common are those who have a victim mentality even if they’re not truly victims. Many claim victimhood because they “feel” like one, yet how one feels is not the measure of truth. In our postmodern age “truth” is based on individual definitions and feelings. “Well, I feel like I’m a victim, I must be a victim. My feelings mean that I’m a victim.” Feelings today are elevated to truth. It’s true because I feel it is. That doesn’t make it true.
Scripture warns us to not trust our feelings. Jeremiah 17:9-10, “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick, who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind. Even to give each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.” In other words, our emotions can’t be trusted. Victimhood isn’t something we can claim just because we feel that way. Rather than take personal responsibility our world promotes the deception of blaming others, having a perpetually negative attitude, and thinking everything is about you.
Do you have The Victim Mentality? Let’s do a self-assessment. Honestly react to the following statement with Never, Sometimes or Often.
- My first reaction to a setback is to blame someone else for what happened.
- I feel like no matter what I do, things aren’t going to change for me.
- I spend a fair amount of time thinking about past failures and mistakes.
- I often find myself beginning my thoughts with phrases like “I can’t…”, “I’m no good at…”, or “I’ve never been able to…”
- When friends offer advice, I usually answer, “Yes, but…” since they can’t possibly know how difficult my situation really is.
- Conversations with friends are often about how hard my life is.
- I feel like I never get what I deserve.
- Other people are a whole lot luckier or blessed than I am.
If you’re able to answer “Never” to all those questions, then you’re a saint and don’t need the rest of this message. If you’ve answered mostly in the “Sometimes” category, then you’re normal. If you have more than two in the “Often” category, you might be suffering from the victim mentality.
2. What makes the victim mentality tempting for us?
If you believe you’re a victim, you’re not responsible. If there’s something wrong in your marriage, it’s not your fault, it’s your spouse’s fault. If there’s something wrong with the kids, it’s the kids’ fault. With a victim mentality you can feel better because you’re not the one at fault and can’t be blamed.
John Killinger (picture) tells of a manager of a minor league baseball team who was so disgusted with his center fielder’s performance that he ordered him to the dugout and assumed the center fielder position himself. The first ball that came into center field took a bad hop and hit that manager in the mouth. The next one was a high fly, which he lost in the glare of the sun–until it bounced off his forehead. The third was a hard-line drive that he charged with outstretched arms; unfortunately, it flew between his hands and smacked him in the eye. Furious, he ran back to the dugout, grabbed the center fielder by the uniform, and shouted. “You idiot! You’ve got center field so messed up that even I can’t do a thing with it!” That’s a victim mentality.
It’s natural for others to take pity on those who’ve been victimized. People want to come alongside someone who’s suffered unjustly. We all know that there’s real suffering in this world. Those who follow Christ should show compassion for those in pain. That’s why this mindset is so deceptive. When you indulge a victim mentality, your motivation is not to move forward but to receive compassion and attention from others. Someone with a victim mentality believes they have a right to complain. The mindset that the world is against you makes it justifiable to air your grievances, to shout from the rooftops all that has happened to you.
Victimhood often comes with a sense of belonging. It starts with a mentality, becomes an identity and then you find a community. You bond with others who have a common “foe.” It brings a sense of community. That feeling of belonging is seductive, but false and deceptive.
In the book, The Rise of Victimhood Culture: Microaggressions, Safe Spaces, and the New Culture Wars (picture) by sociologists Bradley Campbell and Jason Manning they write: “Victimhood culture makes it hard to avoid wrongdoing. If you have any kind of privilege, the social world is full of peril. You always risk giving offense. Engage in small talk and you might be guilty of a microaggression. Cook a new dish or adopt a new hairstyle and you might be guilty of cultural appropriation. Teach about something unpleasant and you might be guilty of triggering someone. Express your religious or political beliefs and you might be guilty of violence. Whatever you do, you must do it in a way that is supportive of victims and reproachful of their oppressors.” While we lament the cult of victimhood around us, every one of us must fight this sinful thinking. Even believers are easily captivated by this way of thinking.
Be honest. Do you have this mindset? Do you tend to play the victim? As believers, we need to be careful how we think and how we portray ourselves.
None of this is new. Since the beginning of creation, from the first sin of Adam and Eve, our sinful nature entices us to do what is easy for the flesh, including adopting victimhood mentality. Going back to Genesis 3, what did Adam and Eve do when confronted with their sin? They played the victim. “Well, Lord, it’s this woman. She’s the one to blame.” Then the woman said about the serpent, “He’s the one to blame.” Adam blames his wife, Eve blames the serpent, but notice what Adam says in verse 12, “The woman you gave to be with me.” Who is Adam really blaming here? He’s blaming God. In our sinful nature, we’re quick to think this way. We so much want to pass the blame, to not take responsibility for our own sin, that like Adam, we’ll even go so far as to blame God for our sins.
While God is never to blame, we often legitimately point to someone else’s sin that preceded your own. Your husband says something unkind and so you lash out in anger. Does his sin excuse your behavior? No. Your boss mistreats you. Does that mean you can trash talk him? Not at all.
We can never legitimately use the victim card as an excuse to sin. We can’t say, “Look, I’m not to blame for my sin.” We all are responsible for our own actions, words, thoughts and our sin.
3. The victim mentality is destructive.
According to The Blunder Book by M. Hirsh Goldberg (picture), the company that won the bid to construct the 100 miles of track for the Washington, DC, subway system projected the cost to be $793 million. When the job was completed, however, it cost $6.6 billion. The same company that built the subway received a contract to build the Saudi Arabian city of Jubail. The initial estimate was $9 billion. But when the project was finished, the bill came to $45 billion, a cost overrun of $36 billion! Those unexpected construction expenses are similar to the costs of the sin of a victim mentality. Its highest costs are spiritual.
It contradicts the gospel. It’s antithetical to the Scriptures’ teaching on sin. When a person sees himself as the victim, he’s not to blame; someone else is to blame. If someone else is to blame, no repentance is needed, and it undermines your understanding of your need for a Savior. Unbelievers with a victim status cut themselves off from seeing their need for a Savior, forgiveness and justification.
It also hurts Christ-followers. It’s dangerous because it hinders us from confessing and repenting of our sins so we can enjoy a close walk with the Lord. If a believer views himself as a victim, he’ll rationalize his sin and will fail to take full responsibility for what he has done.
Ultimately, it becomes a barrier to our witness. If we don’t live out the gospel and its ramifications, we have nothing to share with our lost friends.
It leads to bitterness. When you believe that you’re a victim, you’re often angry toward those you believe are the cause of life’s difficulties. These may be parents, siblings, employers, or friends. But all bitterness is ultimately toward God. If you’re bitter at your parents, who gave them to you? If you hate your job, who put you there? That holds true with every situation.
Bitterness can’t be allowed in the life of a believer because unforgiveness is contrary to the nature of God. If God forgives us of our sins against Him, how much more are we to forgive those who offend us? Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Bitterness doesn’t just hurt our relationship with God, it limits our relationships with people. Those with a victim mentality struggle with friendships. They constantly push others away with negativity and blame.
It results in isolation. As unforgiveness begets bitterness, we become negative, and negativity slowly drives people away. As people leave, we believe this is “proof” that no one cares about us, and it allows us to become further isolated. Community is vital to spiritual growth. The Christian life was never intended to be lived alone. Jesus had 12 disciples. He called the early church to be in community and prayed for its unity (John 17:1-26). We limit our spiritual growth when we isolate ourselves from a church family. It’s one reason why “couch church” is spiritually unhealthy. Spiritual growth and discipleship need personal relationships to grow.
It results in a warped view of God. It shifts our focus off Jesus and onto ourselves. Our priority becomes our situation and baggage with no room for Christ’s overcoming power. We say we believe in the power of Jesus, but not His power over our particular situation. It’s not the mentality of a growing believer in Christ. The victim mentality is self-focused. We can’t live in spiritual victory or have an eternal impact while thinking in this way.
4. The victim mentality is curable.
You have control of your choices. Viktor Frankl, psychologist and Nazi death camp survivor, reminds us of this in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning (picture). We always have choices:
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
You must take responsibility for your own actions. Start by examining yourself and taking responsibility for your actions. No matter what another person does to you, you’re responsible for your response. The Holy Spirit dwelling inside believers empowers them to respond in a Christ-like way when attacked. The other person is responsible before God for their sins, and you’ll answer to God for yours. Take responsibility, learn, and grow. “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10). Each person is responsible for their own personal actions and will give an account for them.
You must accept that you live in a fallen world. Ever since sin entered into the world, the world has been full of suffering and injustice. As believers, we must do all we can to live in ways that are just and loving. We must also seek to promote what is right in the world around us.
But we’ll always face situations that are unfair. You’ll face difficulties at times due to your own sin, but you’ll also face hardships due to the sin of others. It’s your responsibility to respond in a way that honors the Lord no matter what, trusting that in the end, God will bring about perfect justice. Romans 12:19, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.” People sin against each other, but God will one day make all things right. We can trust Him while we wait.
Jesus is our example. If anyone had a valid claim to play the victim, it was Christ. He was born in a stable. In His adult life He had no place to lay His head. He suffered at the hands of those He created. He was mocked. Religious leaders hated Him, even His own family thought He was crazy. His trial was a sham. He was crucified on a cross, though He’d never committed one sin.
Was Christ a legitimate victim? Absolutely. He didn’t deserve any of the things that happened to Him. But do you ever see Christ with the victim mentality? Absolutely not!
Instead of a victim mindset, Jesus maintained the attitude of a humble servant. He joyfully endured suffering, recognizing that all of it was under God’s control. He never responded in sin to those who sinned against Him. When abused, He didn’t abuse in return. Instead, Jesus prayed that God would forgive the sins of others. He prayed for those who oppressed Him and sacrificially loved others, even to the point of death…He died for them.
Christian friend, it’s how we’re to respond. We’re to follow His example, guarding our minds against the temptation of a victimhood mentality, reminding ourselves of the absolute truths Scripture holds. Do you want to be free? Pray for those who’ve hurt or mistreated you? It’s not easy but His grace is enough…and I know that from personal experience.
Life can have hope, no matter how unfairly you’ve been treated. The good news of the gospel always brings hope. Even when unjustly sentenced to rat-infested, foul prison cells – Joseph, Jeremiah, the Apostle Peter and Paul had hope. It’s what sustained them when they were falsely accused and abused.
Political or economic solutions offer only superficial hope. The gospel alone is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes. It alone can transform a self-centered, victimized heart into a new creation who loves God and others. It alone meets the most basic needs of every heart, to be reconciled to the holy, eternal God. If you’re a mistreated victim, God offers that hope to you today of having your sin forgiven and then empowering you to love and be able to forgive the ones who have so mistreated you.
Conclusion
Naomi was bitter. She had a victim mentality BUT God wasn’t done. She came home and against her wishes, Ruth, a Moabitess, came with her. Somewhere along the line, Ruth had trusted Naomi’s God even when Naomi didn’t trust God. God worked out the details and arranged for Ruth to marry Boaz, a godly man. The end of the book of Ruth tells us, “So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. And he went in to her, and the Lord gave her conception, and she bore a son. Then the women said to Naomi, “Blessed be the Lord, who has not left you this day without a redeemer, and may his name be renowned in Israel! He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him” (Ruth 4:13-15). That son was the grandfather of King David and in the genealogy of Jesus Christ.
When life seemed out of control, God was working. Ruth was better than seven sons. He worked in Naomi’s life and He’s working in yours. God doesn’t want us to be victims but victors trusting Him.
Let me be clear on something vital, if you’re being abused sexually or physically, you should immediately seek outside help so that the situation can be stopped. While you still need to apply these truths, please do not mistakenly think that God wants you to endure such abuse. A sexual offender or a violent person is evil and needs to be brought under the law.
Someone who has been molested or raped is a true victim. Is there hope even for them? Let me close with the story of Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza (picture). When Joy was 15 years old, she was gang-raped by seven men. One night, while her parents who were Christians were away for a spiritual engagement, armed men stormed their house and tied up everyone in their family. She and her friend were raped repeatedly. She shares, “It was so surreal…I was just not there anymore, but I do remember very, very distinctly in my heart I was reciting Psalm 23, the Lord is my shepherd. And I remember thinking, you know, because I’ve given my life to Jesus when I was nine. So, in my heart I knew, okay, if they kill me, I know where I’m going. So, I had that peace, and I just thought to myself, they can touch my body, they can do all these things to my body, but they cannot touch my soul because that belongs to God.”
Decades later Joy is ministering to other women who have experienced the same thing, and she tells them that they are not alone.
Joy (picture) shares: “And there’s no shame in being a victim because actually when you share your story, and you choose to help others, then there’s victory…All of us need to do a heart check. Forgiveness is something that all of us can apply and all of us have to. So, what I tell people is don’t make your forgiveness conditional on how the person is going to be moving forward. If they choose to act in loving ways, then you will just see it as a bonus, but not something that you are dependent on to have peace, to have joy. Why should you be a victim twice? First, what they do and then you victimize yourself by holding on to that anger. When you can forgive, you can live with joy, you can live with peace because you’re no longer in prison in that anger, and sometimes, they will never ask for forgiveness. So, you can’t wait for that moment. To be set free, you have to choose now.”
Today Joy is a happy hands-on mom to six kids and married to Edric Mendoza (picture). Joy and Edric have been married almost 25 years.
My friend, there’s a better way to live life than constantly blaming others or God. There’s a better way than living with The Victim Mentality. The Bible shows us a better way. Taking responsibility often means owning our sinful behavior and its impact on others. We can do this if we look to a Savior who rescues us from the consequences of sin, ours and those who’ve sinned against us. That’s the gospel. It’s what it means to commit your life to Christ. As He forgives us by His grace, He will give us the grace to forgive others.
In the words of the Apostle Peter writing to Christians suffering persecution: “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good” (1 Peter 4:19). That my friend is a much better way to live! It’s the way to truly be free!