I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”  G.K. Chesterton

Choosing who you will marry is one of the most consequential decisions that you will make in your life. Because of that, it can also be the most daunting. How do you discern what’s really important when considering who to marry? How do you distinguish between preferences and incompatibility? What are the non-negotiables, and what are the variables?

The late Tim Keller had wise words on the idea of compatibility:

As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage sustaining, and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, ‘Love shouldn’t be this hard…Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul mates.’

The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible…Some people are really, really the wrong people to marry. But everyone else is still incompatible…Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. You will have to make changes that you don’t want to make, and so will your spouse. The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it is not because you married the perfectly compatible person. That person doesn’t exist.

Counselors sometimes have an engaged couple take a compatibility test prior to their wedding. It’s not wrong, yet it’s not a measuring line found in the Bible. Add to that, Eve was the direct opposite of Adam as intentionally designed by God. What we do find in the Bible regarding marriage are a few non-negotiables that make a couple incompatible.  

The Bible’s marital non-negotiables.

God gave us these because it’s only by submitting to His Word that marriage works best. The foundational principle is that marriage for Christ-followers is to only be with another Christ-follower. To marry someone who is not a Christ-follower is to attempt to build a house with two completely different sets of blueprints. 

And being a Christ-follower is more than mere verbal assent. A Christ-follower has a transformed (not perfect) life. If you marry someone who is not a committed Christian, prepare for trouble. The key to a fulfilling marriage is selfless love. It’s very difficult to demonstrate selfless love when you are not depending on the God who is love. Because of our sinful nature, we are all naturally selfish. It is only a new heart that we receive at salvation that gives us the power of being selfless and sacrificial. 

Most marital conflicts have sin at their root: pride and selfishness. To combat those, it means that you shouldn’t only marry a Christ-follower but a committed one. It’s a committed relationship with Christ that gives us victory over our sin natures. Many Christian couples spend a lifetime of half-heartedness because one only “likes” Jesus. It contaminates their marriage, worldview, family, finances, church involvement, and gospel outreach, etc. The committed spouse often feels they’re dragging an anchor as they seek to honor the Lord. They may become discouraged and give up. 

A great analogy of a successful marriage is one comprised of partners who each view themselves as “hosts.” Prior to marriage most of us act as “hosts.” Yet, as soon as a couple says, “I do,” frequently they transition into “guests.” 1 Corinthians 13 unpacks this selfless Christ-honoring love that’s to continue throughout marriage. Verse 7 summarizes it: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Marital differences are tools to build with, not weapons to fight with.

Why can’t a woman be more like a man? from “My Fair Lady,” is where Professor Higgins expresses frustration with women’s behavior compared to men. God, though, designed men and women to be distinctly different. It’s to be a source of health and growth in a marriage, not frustration. 

The obvious differences are gender and sexuality. God designed our sexual organs to be complimentary, yet distinctly different in marriage.

Even what we value and how we look at life is distinctly different. The Bible commands husbands to love their wives, yet it barely touches on that when it comes to a wife loving her husband. Love and emotions come more naturally to women. Yet, the Bible commands a wife to respect her husband. A simple Q & A with most men and women will reveal the accuracy and wisdom of God’s commands. If you ask a woman if she would rather be loved or respected, most will answer to be loved. Yet, if you ask a man if he would rather be loved or respected, most will answer, to be respected. This difference is part of God’s original design. 

There are many others. It seems that the one that affects us the most is the background of our family of origin. Very few couples, even Christian ones, grew up in a home where Christ was honored. Yet that family of origin is imprinted on our behavior. We tend to behave in marriage and repeat the marital habits we grew up with. It takes being saturated in God’s Word and a submissive spirit to His truth to grow more Christlike in marriage.   

For example, if your parents screamed when they disagreed, your default will be to scream when you disagree with your spouse. If the silent treatment was their default when they disagreed, typically that will be your default when you disagree with your spouse. This influences our attitude toward parenting, money, housekeeping, etc. 

Proverbs 27:17 says, Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. That’s God’s design for a healthy marriage that honors Him. Our spouse should help us see our blind spots, areas of weakness and help us grow in grace. Compatibility is important yet it can’t hold a candle to Christ-honoring commitment. As Christ-followers, we have a resource that others do not have, Jesus’ promise, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Loving Jesus and depending on Him is the greatest resource for a healthy marriage.