Scripture: James 4:1-3
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 07
Michigan psychiatrist, Richard Walters (picture), observed: “People will be murdered today because of someone’s anger. Others will die from physical ailments resulting from or aggravated by their angry feelings…While others carry out the angriest act of all, suicide. Countless relationships die little by little as resentment gnaws away at the foundations of love and trust. Anger is a devastating force, and its consequences should sicken us.”
He ends with: “Anger related destruction of the human life and spirit is the incredible national disaster. It’s a personal tragedy in the lives of millions.”
Do you take the sin of anger seriously? Do you think most Christians take the sin of anger seriously? Probably not. This morning, we want to work through Rage-aholics or those who struggle with anger, which is most of us.
It’s estimated that the average man loses his temper six times a week, while the average woman loses her temper three times a week. Women get angry more often at people; men get angry at things. Single adults express anger twice as often as married ones. Men are more physical with anger than women. Sadly, you’re more likely to express anger at home than anywhere else. Anger is most frequent and intense towards those we love. Anger is a vile, sinful problem. Very few of us are innocent. If you’re taking notes…
1. What causes anger?
Our culture has a myriad of theories. Some think anger comes from deep, unconscious psychodynamic forces. Others blame it on past childhood mistreatment. Some argue that current hardships and circumstances produce anger. Some suggest anger is from physiological factors like fatigue, chemical imbalances, or hormone deficiencies.
The Bible recognizes many of these and speaks to them with compassion and insight. Our physical bodies are decaying. Illness and hormonal changes can make us more susceptible to sin. In our fallen world, people—past and present—hurt us and abuse us. God’s Word recognizes that such factors can have an impact on us, yet none of these are the cause of anger. They’re provocations, even excuses but they’re not the cause. Sin is a choice.
An angry Dad doesn’t cause you to blow a gasket. A woman’s cycle can make it harder to handle stress but doesn’t cause anger. As divine image-bearers, we’re not passive machines. We’re active moral responders, accountable to God. We must not allow a long list of hardships to dehumanize us or be used as rationales for sinful anger. We’re not victims. We’re responsible free agents before the living Lord.
Anger comes from our sinful hearts. Scripture provides us with more realistic answers than a secular world: anger comes from the heart. Jesus said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person” (Mark 7:20-23). The source of all sin—including anger—is the human heart.
“Heart” is the biblical term for a person’s inner self, an all-encompassing term that includes our thoughts, will, affections, and emotions. Sinful anger arises from sinful beliefs and motives that rule in the unbeliever yet remain even after the new birth of a Christian. It’s why Proverbs 4:23 insists, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”
To eradicate anger, you must uproot your sinful beliefs and motives, replacing them with godly ones. Spirit-led transformation must occur first in our beliefs and motives that underlie our responses for us to be free.
The Apostle James asks, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” (4:1). “Wars” may sound a bit extreme to describe the squabbles in our relationships. James’ point is that if you don’t deal with minor squabbles, they often escalate into fights and even wars.
That’s been true throughout history. In 1249, a soldier serving in the army of the city of Bologna, Italy, deserted to Modena but took with him an old oaken bucket used as a water trough for horses. Bologna waived her rights to the fugitive but demanded the return of their bucket. Proud Modena refused and a 22-year conflict ensued, The War of the Bucket (picture).
James answers his own question as to the source of wars and fights: “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:1-2). His point is, stop looking elsewhere for the source of your conflicts. Look within! It’s you! You have a sinful heart problem.
You’ll never resolve conflict until you first correctly identify its source. If you blame the other person, you’ve incorrectly identified the source. You must look within and see that your own sinful heart is the problem.
Over the years, I’ve never seen a conflict that’s 100% one-sided. Even if one party is only 10% responsible and the other 90%, the 10% side needs to face his/her responsibility and stop blaming the other. Let God convict and deal with the other person. You must deal with your own sinful heart.
That’s James’ point. Our own hearts are at the root of all of our relational conflicts. Unless you recognize the magnitude of this battle and the frightening fact that the enemy is not overseas and not even in the other room, but living within your body, you don’t understand how serious your problem is! The first step toward curing anger is to acknowledge your own sinful heart. That’s because…
Anger comes from entrenched passions that battle within us, “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (vs. 1b). The word for war in the original gives a military image of our desires on alert in an army ready for battle. They’re troops ready for combat, not easily budged. It’s spiritual warfare, the battle of our sinful flesh versus the Spirit of God.
Anger comes from our unmet desires, “You desire and do not have” (vs. 2a). Our unmet “wants” or “desires” produce anger. Too often these desires control us. Unchecked, they produce sin and death (James 1:14-15).
President Theodore Roosevelt (picture) was also known as Roosevelt the First. He had grandiose estimates of his own worth. “Father always had to be the center of attention,” said one of his children, “when he went to a wedding, he wanted to be the bride. When he went to a funeral, he was sorry that he couldn’t be the corpse.” Roosevelt was driven by unmet desires.
Anger comes from coveting, “You covet and cannot obtain” (James 4:2b). The 10th commandment is “You shall not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Greedy hearts generate conflicts. “You covet,” is literally “you hotly desire.”
Anger comes from selfish motives, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (vs. 3). This is selfish praying! It’s using God like some celestial Genie, pulling Him off the shelf when you need Him, then putting Him back until next time.
Jesus taught that prayer is not to get our will done on earth, but to get God’s will done: “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10). Prayer is not so we can use God; it’s so God’s will is done. Many professing Christians try to use God to make themselves feel happy. Fulfillment only comes when Jesus is on the throne of your life!
James is saying that if you do not pray, it shows that your focus is not properly God-ward. And if you pray selfishly, it shows that you’re only trying to use God for your own agenda, rather than seeking to fulfill His will. And then, when God doesn’t come through, your anger begins to boil.
2. Anger carries a high price.
After spending over three hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and tedious regulations at the DMV, a woman stopped by a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked. “Cash!” she snapped. Then, apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, “I just spent the afternoon at the DMV.” “Shall I gift wrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly, “Or are you going back there?”
We can do some crazy things when we let anger control us. Have you done things when angry that you wish you could take back? Anger can be one of the most destructive, costly things in your life. It affects us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It can have terrible consequences on our relationships. Most importantly, anger affects our relationship with God.
Anger can affect your health. Medical researchers have found that a significant number of serious diseases—including some of the deadliest—are related to our lifestyle choices and linked to the way we process our emotions. Anger has been linked to a wide variety of ailments.
God did not create us to handle long-term anger. The medical profession puts high cholesterol, smoking, and anger on equal footing when it comes to their destructive influence on our bodies.
Anger contaminates your attitude and behavior. It’s nearly impossible to hide anger. There’s something in the flashing of the eyes, the clenching of the jaw, or an edgy tone in the voice. As much as someone attempts to hide it, anger usually reveals itself. At times, the words an angry person speaks—even if dripping with kindness—give them away. Students of human behavior note a number of characteristics of angry people:
- Tardiness—can be an attempt to control a situation or draw attention to oneself as a way to express anger.
- Obstructive behavior in groups —A lack of cooperation. The person is just disagreeable.
- Cynicism—Finding fault in every person or situation.
- Jabbing jokes—sharing embarrassing stories with the intent of hurting the victim.
- Depression—Angry people often slide into periods of discouragement and despair.
- Eating disorders—angry people will overeat, undereat, or overexercise.
- Sexual dysfunction—many have issues with intimacy because of anger.
- Sleeplessness—they’re often incapable of experiencing deep rest. Anger can disrupt sleep patterns. No wonder Scripture urges us, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Please don’t go to bed angry. Solve issues or resolve to table them before you pillow your head. If you go to bed angry, you won’t sleep well, and you’ll often wake up angry.
Anger pollutes your perspective. Angry people often can’t see things objectively. It feeds a vivid imagination, seeing things that just aren’t there. When you’re angry, you may find it difficult to stay focused, or struggle to be creative or unable to maintain a high level of output. Angry people find their thoughts wondering about what they could have or should have said or done in the situation of their anger.
Anger taints relationships. Anger always contaminates our relationships, especially those that matter most to us. The greater your anger, the greater the potential for a long-lasting negative impact, even on those you’re not angry at. A marriage suffers if there’s anger at any target. It disrupts family life and interferes with parent-child relationships. A work group won’t be as productive or creative if one or more members are angry. A church can’t minister effectively if it’s contaminated by a few angry people.
Let me land here for a moment. Some of you are hurting the work of the Lord because you’re angry at someone or something and it’s devolved into bitterness. It may be your spouse. Maybe it’s someone in this church. Maybe it’s me. You’re not just hurting yourself; you’re hindering the advancement of Jesus’ Kingdom. You need to deal with it. If you’re offended, go to that person and fix it. You definitely need to go to the Lord and confess it.
Most importantly, anger contaminates your relationship with God. It’s a roadblock to enjoying His love, hope, joy, and peace. An angry person who identifies as a Christian is a turn-off for the gospel.
It’s costly. Health, happiness, prosperity, and purpose are all negatively affected by anger. If you want a more fulfilling present and a better future, you must deal with your anger.
3. God’s grace is the cure for an angry heart.
James 4 does more than diagnose sinful desires. God’s Word gives us hope and help. What’s the answer? The grace of God! James 4:6-10: “But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.”
James’ solution to interpersonal conflict is shockingly vertical. Notice that the cure for anger does not come from self-help tips. We must go to God Himself. Verse 6 points us to God as the One who supplies the grace needed. He “gives us more grace…He gives grace to the humble.”
What kind of grace do we need? Certainly, we need God’s forgiving grace, His mercy in Christ that pardons all our sins. Our anger, in both heart and behavior, is evil. Thankfully Jesus provides abundant pardon. There is mercy even for angry sinners and we must not minimize this provision.
Once you see the depth of your anger—the angry roots, not merely the angry fruits—you’ll discover that you need a bigger Savior than you ever thought. You need a Savior big enough to forgive big sinners—sinners who sin inwardly in their hearts, not just outwardly with their negative, critical tongues. Praise God that we have such a wonderful Redeemer!
We also need God’s enabling grace, the grace that empowers us to be and do what He wants us to be and do. It’s divine grace to “help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). It’s a powerful grace that’s “sufficient” in times of weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). It’s His grace that enables us to forgive those whose offenses would otherwise provoke anger and bitterness. It empowers us to overcome judgmentalism, venting, and raging. His grace nourishes, guides, and strengthens us even when bad circumstances continue.
We must repent of our angry heart desires. Some years ago, there was a cartoon in which little George Washington was standing with an axe in his hand. Before him lying on the ground is the famous cherry tree. He’s already made his smug admission that he did it – after all, he “cannot tell a lie.” But his father is standing there exasperated saying, “All right, so you admit it! You always admit it! The question is: When are you going to stop doing it.”
Sinful anger demands repentance. We must stop surrendering to anger. James uses a host of metaphors to urge repentance: “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, ‘He yearns jealously over the spirit that He has made to dwell in us’?”
He uses Old Testament imagery of spiritual adultery to urge us to abandon our sinful willfulness. While the world’s temptations can’t cause us to sin, they stimulate our desires in potent ways. God calls us to repent of those sinful desires. So, James issues a series of rapid-fire commands.
We must submit to God unconditionally. There are many seminars on learning how to be more assertive. Have you ever heard of a seminar on learning how to submit? It’s not a popular concept, yet it’s so biblical. The word means “to put yourself in rank under” someone, implying a hierarchy of authority. God is the ultimate and only sovereign authority. It should be obvious that it’s silly to rebel against His authority. Since He is “opposed to the proud,” as verse 7 infers, “Submit therefore to God.” It’s the only sensible thing to do! Yet how are we to submit to God?
We are to submit unconditionally to God’s way of salvation. All of the world’s religions, except for Christianity, teach that salvation is a matter of good works and morality. The world’s way is, “Work harder, be the best person you can be, and you’ll go to heaven.” It’s a lie! It feeds human pride. It gives the “good” person reasons to boast but the Bible says it’s a myth.
God’s way of salvation is totally opposed to man’s way. It declares that we all have sinned and deserve His judgment. Further, because of our sin and pride, we aren’t willing to come to Him for salvation. All our good works will never qualify us for heaven. They can’t begin to pay the debt of sin we owe. What we could never do, God in His mercy did. He sent His Son and satisfied God’s justice by dying in the place of sinners. God offers salvation as a free gift received by faith alone, apart from any human works or effort.
We are to submit unconditionally to God’s person. We tend to submit to the part of God’s person that we naturally like but ignore or dodge the parts of His person we don’t care for. Nobody has a problem with God’s love, yet many have a problem with His hatred of sin and absolute justice. God’s Word says that those who don’t commit their lives to Christ as their Lord and Savior will face His judgement. It’s what Jesus taught it (Matthew 25:46). We’re foolish to resist it, even if it’s not what we want to hear!
We are to submit unconditionally to God’s Word. There are some difficult things in the Bible that, if we had the choice, we’d cut out of it. Thomas Jefferson (picture), who was a Deist, took scissors and cut out the parts of the Bible he didn’t like! While most of us aren’t so brazen, in effect we often do what Jefferson did. We don’t literally cut out the difficult parts; we just ignore them or don’t submit to them! If we’re going to submit unconditionally, we can’t pick and choose.
We must resist the Devil. C. S. Lewis (picture) said, “There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.”
“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (vs. 7). The devil doesn’t cause our anger, but he stimulates our sinful desires that cause it. While it’s foolish to blame Satan for our anger, it’s naïve to isolate him from it.
What’s our way of warfare against the devil? The key verb is “resist.” It’s the most frequent command in the New Testament for warfare against him. So, what does it mean to resist the devil?
James 4:7 teaches that we resist Satan by drawing near to God in humble submission. In 1 Peter 5:6-9, we resist him by standing firm in faith, exercising self-control, and casting our anxieties on Him. Ephesians 6 urges us to resist by putting on our armor of faith, righteousness, truth and prayer.
To resist Satan, we must know God’s Word! It’s amazing the stuff that we memorize that’s insignificant. When Jesus resisted Satan’s temptation He quoted memorized Scripture. Each week we give you a Sword Challenge. Memorize it or memorize verses that deal with anger or some other sin you struggle with. Make it a family game. Psalms 119:11 says, “I have hidden Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against You.”
To resist Satan then means identifying and rejecting his lies. It means withstanding his temptations. It means resting in our Savior-Advocate, Jesus Christ the Righteous One, amidst Satan’s accusations. It involves mortifying our sinful flesh and refusing to follow the devil’s diabolical will.
We must draw near to God. These words are written to believers, yet it’s so easy for believers to drift away from the Lord. James’ point is, “Guess who moved?” It wasn’t God! If you’re contentious, if you’re engaging in quarrels and conflicts, you’re not close to God. You’ve drifted.
Are you angry? Listen to yourself. Your volume, the edge in your voice or tone. If someone else talks the way we consider “normal,” we hear the anger.
God is calling you to draw near to Himself with the promise that He is waiting to draw near to you. The thought of not enjoying sweet fellowship with our loving Lord should move you to clear up whatever stands between you and Him. You can’t be close to God at the same time that you’re angry at someone. You can’t draw near to God until you first clear it up, as much as it is in your power, all relational difficulties. If you think you’re close to God, but you’re angry and/or bitter, you’re deceiving yourself!
We must humble ourselves before God. The repetition of “humble” in the beginning and end forms a literary inclusio—a pair of bookends—that brackets this section. We must forsake the “my rights, my kingdom, my will” type of pride that spawns anger. Pride is at the heart of all disobedience to God and relational conflicts.
If God opposes the proud, yet gives grace to the humble, we must make sure we’re not making ourselves God’s opponent! The theme of God humbling the proud, but exalting the humble, runs throughout Scripture. In the context of dealing with relational conflicts, we are to imitate Jesus, the supreme example of one who humbled Himself and was exalted by God.
4. The Bible gives us the way to deal with angry people.
- First, pray for wisdom. God has promised to provide wisdom to those who seek it (James 1:5). Specifically pray that God will give you wisdom in handling the specific person and situation. You may want to get insights from a mentor or your spouse before proceeding.
- Pray for peace. Jesus has promised that He would not leave us alone but that He’d send the Holy Spirit. When you’re dealing with someone angry, ask the Lord to give you, His power and peace.
- Stick to the facts. Make sure you have all the facts right. Before proceeding with conflict resolution, you need to know who exactly is angry and about what. It will enable you to clearly define the issue and seek to problem-solve.
- Meet privately. Jesus taught, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15). We want to problem-solve, not win.
- Be open to humbling yourself. It can be painful, even embarrassing, but sometimes you’ll find that God is speaking to you about a blind spot or oversight in your life. At that point, just admit that you were wrong, apologize and make the needed corrections.
- Speak softly and calmly. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Matthew Henry (picture) said that “if wrath rises like a threatening storm, then a soft answer will turn it away like the winds.”
The Speech Research Unit of Kenyon College has proven that when a person is shouted at, he can’t help but shout back. You can use this knowledge to keep another person from becoming angry: Control the other person’s tone of voice by controlling your own volume and tone of voice.
Have a spirit of forgiveness. Forgiveness is to surrender the right to hurt others in response to the way they’ve hurt us. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). It’s refusing to retaliate or hold bitterness against someone for the ways they’ve wounded us. It’s forgiving them as Jesus forgave us.
It’s not saying that sin doesn’t matter. It’s not approving of what they’ve done, minimizing the offense, or denying we’ve been wronged. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, nor does it require restoring trust or inviting the ones who hurt us back into a relationship.
While forgiveness is unconditional, meaningful reconciliation and restoration are conditional on the offender’s genuine repentance, humble willingness to accept the consequences of his/her actions, and a desire by both parties to work on the relationship. A spirit of forgiveness wonderfully frees us from our own anger.
Conclusion
Do you have an anger problem? Are you a Rage-aholic? Ask the Lord to help you judge your own sinful heart. The Bible encourages us to rely on God’s grace and you’ll move in the direction of peace in your relationships.How will we ever help our angry world know Jesus, the Lord of grace – if we refuse to surrender our own sinful anger to Him? So, let me end with a powerful story from Gordon MacDonald (picture). He writes:
“A Nigerian woman who is a physician at a great teaching hospital in the United States came out of the crowd today to say something kind about the lecture I had just given. She introduced herself using an American name.
“What’s your African name?” I asked. She immediately gave it to me, several syllables long with a musical sound to it. “What does the name mean?” I wondered. She answered, “It means ‘Child who takes the anger away.'”
When I inquired as to why she would have been given this name, she said, “My parents had been forbidden by their parents to marry. But they loved each other so much that they defied the family opinions and married anyway. For several years they were ostracized from both their families. Then my mother became pregnant with me. And when the grandparents held me in their arms for the first time, the walls of hostility came down. I became the one who swept the anger away. And that’s the name my mother and father gave me.”
Gordon MacDonald ends with this powerful observation, “It occurred to me that her name would be a suitable one for Jesus.”
Do you want to be free from anger? You must run to Jesus. Confess the sin of anger and let Him give you, His peace. He’s the Prince of Peace!
And then, be Jesus in your relationships and in our world! Love and forgive others as you have been so richly forgiven! We who have been forgiven so much must be the greatest forgivers. Let’s choose to be the people of God’s grace and peace!