Scripture: 2 Timothy 3:1-2a
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 4
Narcissist is a buzz word these days. What was once limited to a professional’s diagnosis, is now being “diagnosed” by spouses, siblings, parents, children, employees and paraprofessionals like pastors, coaches, and bloggers. More people are being labeled as narcissists than ever before.
Today we want to work through what it means to be a Narcissist and how to deal with them biblically. Before we judge others, we need to examine our own hearts. 2 Timothy 3:1-2a says, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self…”
People will be lovers of self comes first because this dominant trait leads to further sins. Satan tempted Eve to seek self-fulfillment instead of loving God and others first. Taking care of oneself is humanity’s prominent motivation. Life is about us, our wants, our needs, and our satisfaction.
Do you love yourself? Do you find that you think of yourself…a lot? Most of us do. While we’re not all narcissists, there’s a bit of narcissism in all of us. We’re all sinners and guilty of some narcissism. Probably, your last fight with your spouse is because you both wanted your own way first.
Do you remember Jeff Foxworthy’s (picture) comedy routine of “You might be a redneck…” Let’s update that to…You might be a narcissist…
If your favorite keyboard shortcut is Ctrl U, you might be a narcissist.
If your favorite song is “You’re so vain,” you might be a narcissist.
If your GPS keeps saying, “you’ve reached your destination” every time you pass a mirror, you might be a narcissist.
If you hear people talking about someone with a narcissistic personality and you think they’re talking about you, you might be a narcissist.
If you take a mirror to a party, so you’ll have someone worth talking to, you might be a narcissist.
If you love air because it’s all about you, you might be a narcissist.
If your wife asks if you think she’s a narcissist and you sigh and respond, “It’s not always about you, you know” … you might be a narcissist.
Last one, you know your mama’s a narcissist if she makes cupcakes for your class on HER birthday!
In 2017 Dr. Elinor Greenberg (picture) wrote in Psychology Today that narcissism is a fairly new term that people are both using and abusing in our culture. She wrote: “Every once in a while, a new diagnostic label emerges into mass consciousness and people start to use it (and misuse it) as a synonym for bad behavior. This year’s label seems to be ‘Narcissist’.”
This focus on narcissism has become part of pop culture. While it can be helpful, it can also be hurtful if it’s abused. Talk of narcissism exploded after the 1970’s with the focus on self and the me-culture. Western culture has become entrapped as Christopher Lasch (picture) points out in his book The Culture of Narcissism.
The Bible continually warns of sinful pride and our selfish natures. The book of Proverbs warns about arrogance. Ephesians 2 says before salvation all of us lived to gratify the cravings of our flesh and were deserving of wrath. It goes back to the beginning when Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden tree. It was the lure of their selfish desires: desire for pleasure, popularity, and power that drew them. The same things that drive narcissists.
James 4 says it’s our selfish desires that start quarrels and give birth to sin. James 3:16 warns, “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” We’ve got a problem—all of us. It’s an us problem, not a them problem.
Our culture worships popular narcissists. The paparazzi stalk them, or they’re given a platform. Some celebrities labeled as some of the worst narcissists on a Google search would be Charlie Sheen, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian (pictures). Kim Kardashian said that she took 6,000 selfies on a four-day vacation in Mexico. That means Kardashian took 1,500 photos per day, which works out to roughly one selfie per minute.
Our world is consumed with self. Yet, it’s not just a problem out there, it’s in the Church as Chuck DeGroat (picture) works through in his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church. Pride causes more to reject the gospel than any other sin. It’s harder for a narcissist to go to heaven than other toxic types because to come to Christ, you must first humble yourself. Narcissism and pride are barriers to the gospel. So, if you’re taking notes…
1. What is a Narcissist?
The term narcissist comes from Greek mythology. Narcissus was a hunter and a very handsome young man. Many fell in love with him. However, he only responded with disdain and contempt. One day, while Narcissus was hunting in the woods, a nymph named Echo spotted him and immediately fell in love with him. She followed him, waiting for him to speak so her feelings might be heard. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted, “Who’s there?” Echo repeated “Who’s there?” After a few rounds of this, in which Narcissus’ frustrations grows, Echo came close enough so that he saw her and attempted to hug him. Horrified, he stepped back, rejecting her. Echo was heartbroken and wasted away, losing her body amidst the forest, until all that remained of her was only an echo sound.
Nemesis the god of retribution was angered at what Narcissus had done to Echo and that he was indifferent to all the hearts that he was breaking. So, Nemesis arranged it so Narcissus would come face-to-face with his own reflection in the surface of the water (picture). When Narcissus stopped to quench his thirst in a spring one day, he saw his own reflection and fell in love with it. Wanting to kiss his beautiful reflection, he leaned into the water and drowned or, depending on which version of the myth you read, he stabbed himself when he realized that he couldn’t have the object of his desire, himself. The narcissus flower (picture) is said to have sprung up from his dead body.
Though this is not exhaustive, these are some symptoms of a narcissist.
A narcissist habitually turns the conversation back to himself or herself. Matthew 12:34, “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” That’s true of all of us. What we talk about reveals what we love and that drives our conversations. When we love ourselves, we redirect conversations back to ourselves. For a narcissist, every conversation is an opportunity to talk about themselves and show how much better they are than everyone else. They’ll list off all of their own achievements. But Proverbs 27:2 warns, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.”
For the narcissist, the conversation has a magnetic pull towards self. He loves himself, so he loves talking about himself. If he’s telling a story, he’s the hero. If he disagrees about a situation, he’ll defend himself. Beware of those who chronically bring the attention back to themselves.
Sometimes he/she will even invade the private conversations of others. They have a way of injecting their own opinions into every situation. They’re usually the first to voice complaints or disagreements. The Bible warns that such people create division and serve only their own selfish appetites.
A narcissist habitually responds to disagreements or correction with anger and self-defense. When others disagree with a narcissist, he responds in anger. Unlike the wise man in Proverbs 10:17 who delights in the correction, “Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but he who rejects reproof leads others astray.” The narcissist avoids it, though she has no trouble confronting, correcting, and critiquing others. It’s a one-way street and she’s good at pointing out the traffic violations of those around her.
A Christ-follower unwilling to receive correction does not only injure himself, but also hurts others. Instead of modeling humility, something that should be sought by all Christ-followers, he models foolishness. Proverbs 18:2, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Anger and defensiveness are danger signals of a narcissist.
A narcissist is more concerned with issues of the immediate than the long-term effect of their behavior on others. When King Hezekiah was informed that while his kingdom was secure during his lifetime but his descendants would be captured and carted off to Babylon, he took comfort that it wouldn’t happen during his lifetime (Isaiah 39). That spirit of self-preservation exposed the wickedness of his heart. He cared little about the long-term effects of his actions of showing the wealth of the Temple to the Babylonians. Instead, he thought only of himself and his own personal peace.
That’s the worldview of a narcissist. While “a good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children” (Proverbs 13:22), a narcissist only thinks about her own day, her comfort, and reputation. Plans aren’t made for future generations. She’s often willing to go into debt to impress others. Social events aren’t about friends but steppingstones for personal gain.
A narcissist professes love, but rarely shows it. Perhaps the easiest way to identify a narcissist is to see if their works match their words. They’ll claim they only have love for others, but their actions prove otherwise. Matthew 7 instructs us to judge someone by the fruit of their life. “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.” So, what kind of harvest are you gathering? Division? Disdain? Cruelty? Love is more than words, it’s actions. It’s what separates Christ-followers from narcissists.
A narcissist is overly independent and unwilling to ask for help. He has a high degree of self-reliance and unhealthy independence. He must do all the work himself because his way is the only right way. Then, he discounts similar acts by others, like their parenting, work ethic or handling of money.
Healthy people want their children, co-workers and those around them to grow and even exceed them. Instead of squelching ideas, actions, and endeavors—for fear others might excel past them, they encourage them.
By contrast, a narcissist does all the work himself. Instead of delegating or partnering, they think they must do it all. Occasionally, they collect a few close associates who serve as an entourage but more often they believe what they do is best, and don’t let or encourage others to use their gifts.
A narcissist talks but doesn’t listen. They live in an echo chamber. Listening is a powerful tool. It builds trust, creates empathy, and cultivates relationships. James 1:19 urges us to be quick to hear but slow to speak. But a narcissist is quick to speak, quick to take offense, and nearly incapable of listening. They enjoy being the loudest one in the room. The idea of deferring to others galls them. Christ-followers listen to others, even when they disagree. Listening shows respect and requires selflessness.
Narcissists surround themselves with those who affirm their preconceptions or opinions. A wise Christian, on the other hand, knows that truth and the right answer isn’t always the popular one.
A narcissist belittles and tears down others. 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” Narcissists do the opposite. Rather than being a source of inspiration, they’re frequently a voice of derision. They’re quick to criticize others for their perceived failings, frequently causing division and inflame arguments. They build up themselves by tearing others down. Christ-followers are to be known for what they build, not what they break.
2. God knows how to take down a Narcissist.
Presbyterian pastor, Maynard Pittendreigh (picture) wrote: “Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to attend several graduation ceremonies. There are always lots of speeches. Some have been good; others are a bit boring. But I went to a graduation ceremony earlier this year, and I found the speech rather disturbing. The speaker was the valedictorian. He stood up to the podium and he thanked his father. Which sounded good – at first. “My father taught me an important lesson,” the young man said. “He told me throughout my entire life that I am the most important person in the world. Don’t ever think that there is anyone more important than you. Do what you want to do, not what other people want. Your happiness is all that matters.” I sat there and thought about how this is the attitude that is destroying our society.”
You’ll find many Bible characters who’d be classified as narcissists. We can learn from them and discover how to avoid this sinful tendency.
Let’s focus on one of the more famous ones, Nebuchadnezzar. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” That’s Nebuchadnezzar.
In the book of Daniel, he had a bad dream and threatened to kill all his counselors. Then, he built an idol 90 feet tall, presumably in his own image, commanding everyone to bow down to his idol. If they didn’t obey, they’d be thrown into a fiery furnace. He believed that Babylon was built with his own wisdom and strength.
Daniel 4 is his autobiography. Daniel took the writings of Nebuchadnezzar, inspired by the Holy Spirit, and included them in the Bible. In Daniel 4:1 there’s a greeting, the opening of a letter from Nebuchadnezzar. “King Nebuchadnezzar, to all the peoples, nations, and languages that dwell in the earth: Peace be multiplied to you. It has seemed good to me to show the signs and wonders that the Most High God has done for me.” Then in verse 4, “I, Nebuchadnezzar, was at ease in my house and prospering in my palace. I saw a dream that made me afraid.” It’s a first-hand account of the story of Nebuchadnezzar, the recording of his testimony.
Nebuchadnezzar calls in all of his counselors, much like he had before, but only Daniel knew the interpretation of his dream. In the dream, the King saw a great tree, full of leaves, providing shelter in and under its branches for animals. Then, a watcher came from heaven and said, “Chop down the tree and lop off its branches, strip off its leaves and scatter its fruit. Let the beasts flee from under it and the birds from its branches. But leave the stump of its roots in the earth, bound with a band of iron and bronze.”
Nebuchadnezzar went on to describe one who’d lose his mind and be wet with dew for seven periods of time. He begged Daniel for an interpretation. In verse 22, Daniel said, “It is you, O king, who have grown and become strong. Your greatness has grown and reaches to heaven, and your dominion to the ends of the earth.” Verse 25, “you shall be driven among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. You shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and you shall be wet with the dew of heaven, and seven periods of time shall pass over you until you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom He will.”
Nebuchadnezzar had been lifted up, but he was going to be laid low. He was about to receive judgement, but it wasn’t too late. Verse 27, “break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may be a lengthening of your prosperity.” There was room for grace if the king repented, but he wouldn’t. Verse 29 “at the end of twelve months, he was walking on the roof of the royal palace.”
One year had gone by, but there was no change. Looking over his vast kingdom he said, “Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence for the glory of my majesty?” He was bragging to himself, Nebuchadnezzar the Narcissist.
He puts himself on a pedestal. Nebuchadnezzar was looking at the scope of his own accomplishments. He was so proud. After all Babylon was a marvel to behold. It had a double wall 15 miles long, 85 feet high, and 24 feet thick protecting the city. Chariots could race on those walls; they were so thick. There were hanging gardens which became one of the Wonders of the Ancient World. Babylon was the most powerful empire in the world.
He took credit for accomplishing it all. But God is the one who gives us everything. Then, nothing great is ever accomplished without a great team and great teams share credit. Narcissists hoard the credit. Nebuchadnezzar’s favorite words were “I, me, and mine.” How did all this happen, “by my mighty power.” Literally, this empire was built to contain his glory.
He’s put out to pasture. Nebuchadnezzar had a full year to repent but blew God off. Just because you don’t see the judgment of God today, doesn’t mean that it’s not coming. God is patient, loving, and slow to anger. But there will come a time when judgment can no longer be withheld. God knows without the judgment you may never turn to him. The sin of pride is one of the worst sins because a person can commit it and really not know it.
You know when you steal. You know when you lie or commit adultery. But you can be guilty of pride and confuse it with “feeling good about yourself” or “having a positive self-image.” Pride is when you start thinking every good thing in your life is because of who you are and what you’ve done. It removes God from the equation. Its why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5) It’s a dangerous thing to walk along the roof of your personal kingdom and start thinking about how great you are. Though judgment was delayed, it was definite.
The carnal king became crazy! The ruler of men was driven out from men. The one who sat on the throne slept with the animals. The one who ate lavish royal dinners ate grass. How long would this last? Literally, seven years.
The judgment would last until Narcissistic Nebuchadnezzar became a Repentant Royal. Judgment would last until the King realized that it was only the King of Heaven who allowed him to be a king in the first place. The crazy king “was driven from among men and ate grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven till his hair grew long as eagle’s feathers, and his nails like bird’s claws.” What a picture! Narcissistic Nebuchadnezzar was put in his place by being put out to pasture.
One moment he’s surveying his kingdom, the next he’s ripping off his clothes, making strange snorting noises, and galloping on all fours. Soon he’s running on all fours down main street, totally naked and insane. Bible scholars suggest that he had a complete breakdown. Under God’s judgment he went nuts, losing all connection with reality.
Then as quickly as it began, it ended. Verse 34 says, “At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored Him who lives forever.” Narcissistic Nebuchadnezzar is now Newborn Nebuchadnezzar. The King humbled his hardened heart, and the King of Kings gave him a new heart. He was saved! I believe that we’ll see Nebuchadnezzar in heaven.
The glory of the gospel is found in this: God meets you where you are to make you into what He wants you to be. Salvation can be taught, but it can’t be caught. Sin may be contagious, salvation is not. It’s either personally received or rejected. Nebuchadnezzar’s testimony was not only written in his autobiography; it’s in the Bible for all time! Salvation is not a message to be contained but one to be proclaimed. Before Nebuchadnezzar bragged about his kingdom, now he boasts about the King of Kings.
Two Lessons: Everyone needs a Daniel in his or her life, especially a narcissist. Do you have a Daniel in your life? Someone whose walk with the Lord is close who you can count on to shoot straight with you? We all need someone like that. We need a spouse or friend who will admonish us in love when we need it. Someone who loves us enough to keep us on the straight and narrow. Friend, if you don’t have a Daniel like that in your life, get one! Daniel boldly, honestly, lovingly shot straight with Nebuchadnezzar.
There is always hope. Most of the literature about narcissists says that there’s no hope, that they’ll never change. But they’ve never met Jesus and they need to meet Nebuchadnezzar. There is no sin, no evil behavior beyond the grace of God. I don’t care if you’re a sex addict or a druggie or a narcissist – no sin is beyond the grace and power of God.
3. How do I deal with a narcissist?
Erwin Lutzer (picture) tells the story of a man who went to his pastor and said, “You know, my wife is trying to poison me.” The pastor said, “No, wait! I know your wife. She’s a nice woman. There’s no way she’d try to poison you.” He said, “Pastor, she’s trying to poison me. I can even see the poison next to my plate. There’s a part of my wife that you don’t understand. I suggest you talk to her.” Well later on that afternoon the pastor came back and said to the man, “You know, I spent three and a half hours speaking with your wife this afternoon. I have a suggestion for you.” He said, “What is it?” The pastor said, “Just take the poison.”
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you don’t have to take the poison, but there are some things you should do.
Face reality. This is often the most painful one. If we lie to ourselves or give ourselves false hope, it’s detrimental to our mental and spiritual health. God’s Word is truth, and we must tell ourselves and face the truth. While it’s increasingly harder to discern truth from lies in today’s world, we know we can look to Scripture with confidence. Isaiah 45:19 says, “I the LORD speak the truth; I declare what is right.” God’s truth is our true north.
Pray. Telling the Lord what’s happening in your heart and circumstances is vital, not the least of which is that you’re in a battle. Prayer sometimes changes us more than our situations. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6).
Share. Toxic people in relationships isolate us. You may feel ashamed of what’s happening. Find a mature spiritual friend who will keep confidence and give godly counsel. You need their help. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).
Anchor yourself in God’s Word. Battling narcissism in a relationship isn’t easy. God’s Word can be your anchor of truth when you doubt who you are as a child of God. Find Scriptures that resonate with you. Write them down and meditate on them.
Set firm boundaries. Establishing firm boundaries is crucial. The Bible encourages us to protect ourselves against toxic influences. “Keep your heart with all vigilance…” (Proverbs 4:23). Examples of boundaries might include setting limits on communication, establishing consequences for inappropriate behavior, and determining personal values that must be respected.
Trust in God’s control and wisdom. In managing a relationship with a toxic person, it’s vital to rest in God’s control and trust Him. “And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You” (Psalms 9:10).
Conclusion
God used a dream to wake up Nebuchadnezzar. He sent his prophet Daniel to get his attention. Finally, God had to knock all the props out of Nebuchadnezzar’s life to get his attention. Is God trying to tell you something today? He may be using Daniel 4 to get your attention. He may be using this message to get your attention. I hope you’re wiser than Nebuchadnezzar. Please don’t wait until you are at the bottom to listen.
We live in a world full of busyness and clatter. People are distracted, unable to hear the still, small voice of God as He speaks in creation, in the Scriptures, or in the life and work of Jesus Christ. Are you listening to God’s voice? God is speaking right now. Some are listening, but many are so distracted by the cares of this world that they’re not listening.
On the night of April 14, 1912, the mighty unsinkable Titanic (picture) was surging across a calm sea at a fast speed. We all know she sank after glancing off an iceberg. Records indicate that earlier that night, warning after warning had been sent to tell them they were heading toward disaster, but the messages were ignored! In fact, when a nearby ship sent an urgent message warning the Titanic that they were compromising their safety going into an ice field, the radio operators on the Titanic were talking to Cape Race in Newfoundland about the time that the chauffeurs were to meet arriving passengers at the dock, and what menus were to be ready. Preoccupied with trivia, the Titanic radiomen responded to the warning by this message: “Shut up! I am talking to Cape Race, you are jamming my signals!” They ignored the warnings and destruction followed!
Are you listening to God’s warning today? If you’re here without Jesus; how many warnings to repent do you think you have left? I don’t know, and you don’t know either. Thank God Nebuchadnezzar responded to God’s hand in his life and allowed God to change his heart.
The beautiful hanging gardens are only a memory we can read about. They’re gone. The amazing city of Babylon is buried under the sands of Iraq. The only thing Nebuchadnezzar produced that remains today is his personal testimony found in Daniel 4 and 2,600 years later, God is still using his repentance to draw people to Himself.
The only thing that will stand the test of time in your life is your testimony of how Jesus saved you and transformed your life. The good news is that God not only has the power to turn a self-centered beauty into the beast that they really are as He did with Nebuchadnezzar, but God can also transform a madman beast of a sinner into a beauty of a saint. He can save you. He can give you new life. He can transform you. Will you let Him?