Real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling – it’s a deliberate choice – a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. – Seth Adam Smith

The documentary, A King’s Story, is the account of the life of Great Britain’s King Edward VIII and his abdication of the throne for the love of a woman. Amid a nationwide and often rancorous public debate, Prime Minister Baldwin had cautioned the king not to marry Mrs. Wallace Simpson, a divorced woman, so as to keep his throne. So, the king had to make a difficult choice.

He agonized for several days over the impending crisis in Parliament and his deep personal dilemma. On December 10, 1936, with his three brothers beside him, King Edward signed with firm hand the instrument of abdication. The eleven months of his reign had ended.

The night before, on December 9th, King Edward called Mrs. Simpson to inform her of his decision. When she pleaded with him not to abdicate, he said: “The abdication documents are being drawn up. You can do whatever you wish. You can go wherever you want. But wherever you go, I will follow you!” He made a choice for love…no matter the cost.

Most people wrongly believe love is a feeling. It isn’t. Over the years I’ve heard some foolish statements as I’ve done marital counseling. “I don’t love them anymore.” “The feeling is gone.” “I’ve fallen out of love.” “Love is a feeling” is a disastrous lie in our feeling driven culture.

Love is a choice. 

The perfect example of that is the God who loves us, or as the Bible words it, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). You know you and I know me. Knowing who I am and knowing the evil in my own heart, I’m shocked that God likes me, much less loves me – but He does! He chose to love me! There’s no other explanation. And He has chosen to love you too!

The second powerful example of the fact that love is a choice is the love of a parent for their child. In all honesty, what is there to love about a baby? They cry when they don’t need anything…often at the most inconvenient times. They regurgitate their food, sometimes all over you. They continually soil their diapers. Parents will convince themselves that their child is smiling at them, but it could be gas. That parent has chosen to love that child, even though they receive nothing back in return. Their child does not reciprocate. Instead, they take, take and then take more.

Can anyone truly believe that love is a feeling when that child is vomiting or has diarrhea? The parent chooses to love their child. Often, someone who is not biologically related, like an adoptive parent or even a foster parent, chooses to love a child when there is no love reciprocated and instead there is often anger and rejection. Please do not believe such foolishness as “love is a feeling.” Love is a choice. You choose to love. 

You also choose what to focus on and think about in your marriage. 

What you choose to focus on greatly affects the health of your marriage. 

So, what do you focus on? Nearly every day I pray that the Lord will make Philippians 4:8 real in my thinking: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT). 

Sadly, I’m not naturally a half-full thinker and struggle to not focus on the glass being half-empty. Positive, praise type thinking in me is a work of God’s grace. Yet, I’m blessed to be married to a “half-full thinker.” (As I shared with a friend recently, I know that I out married myself.)

Let me challenge you with something. Evaluate your marriage on a 100% scale. Of that 100%, how much is truly wrong with your marriage and really a problem? If you’re normal, it’s probably about 5% or 10%. That means that 90% to 95% of your marriage is good or even great. 

Here’s the next challenge. What percentage do you find you think about the most or talk about the most or worse, talk or argue about the most? For most couples it’s that 5% to 10%. That’s not only sad, but it’s also tragic.

Over the years though I’ve heard couples complain about that 5% or 10% a lot and can’t seem to talk about anything else…until their spouse dies. In the many funerals I’ve done, I have yet to hear a spouse bring up that 5% or 10% that drove them crazy. When their spouse is gone, they always talk and focus on the 90% to 95% of their marriage that was good. Wouldn’t it make more sense then to talk and focus on that 5% or 10% that drove you crazy or irritated you after they’re gone and enjoy the 90% to 95% now? 

George Crane, a 20^th-century newspaper columnist and psychologist, is frequently cited in sermons and marriage counseling literature for his story about “acting as if.” The wonderful and famous story about Dr. Crane that is shared involves a wife who went to see him, intending to divorce her husband and also wanting to hurt him as much as possible first. Dr. Crane advised her to go home and “act as if” she truly loved him by showering him with kindness, compliments, and affection, under the guise that this would ultimately make her eventual departure more devastating. 

After two months of this behavior, the woman returned to Dr. Crane’s office, stating her actions had completely transformed her emotions and that she had fallen back in love with her husband. 

Choosing to love someone is one of the most beautiful things about love and the healthiest. Choosing the right things to focus on in your marriage will do more for your marital health than countless hours of counseling or another honeymoon in a place like Hawaii. You don’t have to go any further than your own mind, heart and home. 

When all the butterflies have fluttered away and your wedding day is a distant memory, we all discover we’ve married someone who is just as imperfect and a sinner as we are. They, in turn, learn that you have problems, sinful behaviors, insecurities, quirks—just as real as theirs! 

And hopefully, you will have a wake-up call and realize that true love isn’t some euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice by God’s grace, by the God who is love—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. That’s a healthy marriage! That’s a Christ-honoring one! It’s the one that God wants every married couple to have! So, what will you choose?