Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Sermon Series: Stormproof – Sermon 06

What have been some of the most wonderful moments of your life? What have been some of the most difficult moments of your life?

When I think about some of the most wonderful and the most difficult moments of my life there’s a common denominator. It’s people!

As I scan back over my life, when I think of some of the moments of joy, sensing God’s love and feeling accepted. Those high moments frequently intersect with people, the faces of people laughing, people who are crying, those who have their arm around my shoulder and hugging me when I really need it. It’s the faces of those encouraging me or praying with me. They’re letting me know I’m not alone. They’re telling me, “You’ll get through this.” They’re reminding me of God’s promises. Those moments are mountaintops.

But as I scan through the inventory of the dark times, the valleys, the hardest moments, those times where I felt like depression and despair would swallow me alive, there’s one common denominator – I was alone. I was alone because I’d made myself alone or there wasn’t anybody in my life. Or I was alone because the wrong people were in my life. To be honest, there were times when I felt alone because though I had people, I stayed silent and didn’t share about how I was hurting or what was making me so sad.

We’re continuing our series: Stormproof and talking about Loneliness. And thank you for last Sunday. I heard great feedback about my good friend, John Olkowski preaching on Depression. And I continually hear great feedback from guest speakers about how gracious you are.

God’s Word has a lot to say about loneliness. Please turn to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (p. 920). Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. God doesn’t want us to be alone. In fact, there was only thing in Creation prior to sin entering this world that God said wasn’t good. Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’ (Genesis 2:18).

So, I want you to do something this morning just for fun. Would you mind looking at the person next to you and say, You look good. Just tell them you look good. Look at the other side of you now and tell that person, You look good. Those of you watching online just type, I look good. Just go with it because now we’ve got groups of three, meaning there’s you and the two people you just talked to. Or there’s you and the two people who typed above and below you, I look good.

I want to tell you something important. According to a recent Harvard University study, one in three of you believe that you have needs in your life and no one to meet them. You have hurts to share and no one to listen. You have love to give and no one to receive it. One in three of you are missing something very significant in your life. That’s loneliness.

Loneliness is such a huge problem that over 50 countries have done studies, made policies, or appointed leaders to attempt to reduce social isolation. The pain of loneliness can lead to depression and feelings of despair. It’s linked to suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It’s a serious public health concern.

Now being alone and being lonely are two different things. One can be alone without being lonely, and one can be lonely in a crowded room.

Loneliness is a state of mind, an emotion brought on by feelings of isolation. The Hebrew word translated desolate or lonely in the Old Testament means one alone; one who is solitary, forsaken, wretched.

There’s probably no deeper sadness than feeling we’re alone in the world, we don’t have a friend, no one is concerned about anything that happens to us, and no one would care if we died or even shed a tear over our grave.

This world doesn’t have a solution. It only has band-aids. That was seen in an article in The New Yorker from 2022, “Can Pickleball Save America?” talking about how pickleball is the cure for loneliness.

This morning, we want to work through this disease of loneliness and end with God’s cure, our Master Designer’s solution. If you’re taking notes…

1. Loneliness is an epidemic.

We tend to think rich and famous celebrities don’t have our peon issues. Anne Hathaway was asked what she fears most in life. Her answer? Loneliness. In a documentary about her life, Lady Gaga tearfully confesses her fears to her stylist Brandon Maxwell. I’m alone, Brandon. Every night. And all these people will leave, right? They will leave and then I’ll be alone. And I go from everyone touching me all day and talking at me all day to total silence.

Australian Olympic swimmer and five-time Gold Medalist, Ian Thorpe, admitted, I was surrounded by people but had this intense loneliness. Robert Pattinson in a 2013 interview admitted that there were drawbacks to fame: People don’t realize how lonely you are.

Loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 26%, which is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The impact of social isolation on the risk of dying early is consistent across genders and age groups. According to the market research firm YouGov, the social media generation is the one that feels the most alone. The report details a surge in feelings of loneliness among millennials.  

Writing for O Magazine, psychologist Shira Nayman: Loneliness is perhaps the greatest of human aches. It thwarts our fundamental urge for connection. Even as infants, we look into the eyes of our parents to seek the reassurance of their mirroring gaze. In our early lives, the security of our attachments with our caregivers helps shape the degree of confidence with which we’ll move through the world. And the unique gift of…the beauty and complexity of language – is most priceless because it allows us to share each other’s delights, burdens and amazements.

Surveys have found: *More than 80% experience some degree of loneliness. *20% of Americans say they rarely or never feel close to anyone. *78% when lonely distract themselves with TV, computers, phones, or video games. *There is a 26% increased risk of early death for those suffering from loneliness.

We’re the disconnected culture. Think about your last trip to Walmart, if you actually went to Walmart and didn’t shop online. You push a button, the garage door opens, you drive to Walmart, park, walk to the aisle, get your items, go to the front. And then, what a blessing, a self-checkout section. You slide your stuff through, flash your card, get back in your car, go back in your garage, door closed without having a conversation with one person.

Now I know some of you are thinking, “That’s the goal.” But we don’t understand what a radical revolution it is. There was the day when you walked to the same store, saw people all along the way, didn’t just flash money, you exchanged an item that you both had worked to produce.

In fact, the higher you go up the social ladder the chances are the more breaks that occur between your social connections. The more successful you are, the greater chance that those you interact with won’t know your parents, siblings, or your spouse or kids. You’re anonymous. You can be connected on social media but have few friends and superficial relationships.

Technology masks loneliness while at the same time magnifies it. It masks it because we get a sense that we shouldn’t be lonely. There are so many people in my life. I have so many friends, I can text or talk on the phone in a second. There’s no reason to feel lonely, yet there’s a growing sense of feeling lonely that’s emotionally dangerous. It’s easy to be surrounded by people and be lonely. This epidemic of loneliness has created two dynamics.

Loneliness is caused by a mobilized culture. There was a time when most Americans stayed in the same job or same community for most of their lives. Today, people change jobs and change addresses at a mind-boggling pace.  

For a long time, there was a trend toward urbanization, where Americans were moving toward the large cities. That’s changed. More are moving away from urban centers than migrating to them. Restlessness and mobilization make it difficult to establish long term relationships.

Loneliness is created by a depersonalized culture. With our amazing technological advances and ways to connect, you’d think loneliness would decrease. The opposite has occurred. Technology has depersonalized us.

For instance, do you remember when you could call someone on the phone and actually talk to a real person? Today, you dial a number, and either get voice mail, or are told to choose from an automated menu, depersonalization. There was a time when you could drive up to a gas station and chat with the attendant as he pumped your gas and cleaned your windshield. No more. Self-service stations have depersonalized that. There was a time when you walked into a bank and talked to a real teller who’d ask about your family. Today you bank online or use a machine. Depersonalization.

Smart phones have made shopping an online experience. You don’t have to go to a store. Buy it online. We have video conferencing with doctors. What’s next? Self-service surgery? And we don’t even want to talk about AI.

Technology created the perfect environment for the virus of loneliness to thrive. The bottom line is that loneliness is painful.

2. Loneliness can be self-inflicted. 

Have you heard how an Eskimo kills a wolf? First, the Eskimo coats his knife blade with animal blood and allows it to freeze. He then adds layer after layer of blood until the blade is completely concealed by the frozen blood. Next, the hunter fixes his knife in the ice with the blade up. When a wolf follows his sensitive nose to the source of the scent and discovers the bait, he licks it, tasting the fresh frozen blood. He begins to lick faster, lapping the blade until the knife’s edge is bare. Feverishly now, the wolf licks the blade in the cold Arctic night. His craving for blood becomes so great that the wolf doesn’t notice the razor-sharp sting of the naked blade on his own tongue. Nor does he recognize his insatiable thirst is being satisfied by his own warm blood. His carnivorous appetite continues to crave more until dawn; the wolf is found dead in the snow! That’s repulsive yet too often it’s us. Our loneliness is self-inflicted.

Loneliness is born out of self-fulfillment.The message of today’s culture is that life is about being personally fulfilled. We must go after the things that make us feel good, make us happy and build our lives around them. Focusing on one’s own desires and interests isolates us. It manifests itself by putting personal needs above the well-being of others. It comes out by focusing on what one receives in a relationship rather than what gives. It pushes people away, eroding trust and intimacy. If you’re seeking your own self-fulfillment and the other person is seeking theirs, it hurts both of you.

Loneliness is born out of homelessness in your own skin.We’re all sinners and it kills relationships. Our sin nature makes us homeless in our own skin. It brings shame and guilt, contributing to a sense of internal “homelessness.”

Sins like greed, arrogance, and selfishness lead to conflict, disrespect, and estrangement. Sinful emotions like anger, rage, contempt, and resentment are destructive forces that create conflict and division. Sin creates a sense of estrangement, damaging the bond between people, even those we love.

German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer compared the human race to a bunch of porcupines huddling together on a cold winter night: The colder it gets outside, the more we huddle together for warmth, but the closer we get to one another, the more we stick one another with our quills and hurt one another. In the lonely night of earth’s winter, eventually we begin to drift apart and wander out on our own and freeze to death in our loneliness.

Loneliness is born out of ingratitude.Ingratitude damages relationships by making people feel unseen and unappreciated, which can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. It’s rooted in pride, leading individuals to believe they’re entitled to what they have, rather than seeing it as a gift from God. It breeds resentment and emotional exhaustion for the other person because when one continually gives time, energy or support without receiving acknowledgment or reciprocation, feelings of unfairness can build.

Ingratitude keeps score. It keeps a tab on all the wrongs a “friend” has done. It keeps score of how many times you had them over, called them or initiated the friendship. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Loneliness is born out of bitterness.A bitter person is a “ticking time bomb.” It’s a spiritual condition of the heart that left untreated, manifests itself in detrimental ways. It pushes others away, leading to an absence of connection. It makes someone difficult to be around. Bitter individuals often resist those who try to care for them, which contributes to isolation.

Bitterness is a “self-made prison.” Holding onto grudges, we isolate ourselves. It’s challenging to have a relationship with a bitter person because bitterness distorts perceptions and erodes the ability to care for others. When left unresolved, it distances us from God, resulting in spiritual loneliness. 

3. The cure for loneliness is a new family. 

Ultimately, loneliness comes from being homesick, spiritually homesick. God made you with a hole in your soul, and only He can fill it. The first father was God. It’s why we have a father hunger. As great as an earthly father is, he can’t satisfy “father hunger.” No relationship can solve our heart need of a relationship with a loving heavenly Father. A repeated truth in Scripture is we’re designed for a relationship with God. We’re homesick for heaven. Wonderfully…

God wants to be your Father.A relationship with God is the cure for loneliness. He alone can fill our heart’s void. The problem with relying solely on human connections to combat loneliness is we depend on people to fulfill us in a way no human can. Expecting human connections to fill the void of loneliness will end in disappointment. It’s a void only God can fill.

Add to that, relying on social connections overlooks the fact that humans are transient. People change, but Jesus remains the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). People come and go. God will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). People may love you one minute and break your heart the next. God’s love is never-ending (Lamentations 3:22–23). But you must be part of God’s family for Him to be your Father. 

How do you join God’s Family? There are only three ways you can join a biological family. You can be born into it. You can be adopted into it. Or you can marry into a family. The Bible teaches that we enter God’s family in the same three ways. Jesus told Nicodemus he had to be born again to be part of God’s family. We enter God’s family through a new birth. The Bible says, To all who received Him (Jesus), to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent …but born of God (John 1:12-13).

When you were born the first time, you were born into a temporal, earthly family. It’s why you need to be born again. When you receive Jesus as your Savior, you experience a new birth and are born again into God’s family.

The second way is through adoption. When you’re adopted a family has chosen you. The Bible says God has chosen us to be a part of His family You received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ (Romans 8:15) When Jesus talked to God, He called Him Abba, which means “Daddy” or “Papa.” When you’re born again you’re adopted and can cry out to God in this intimate way. He’s now your Daddy or Papa.

The third way is by marrying into it. In the New Testament Christ-followers, are called the Bride of Christ. Jesus loves us like a husband loves his wife. Paul unpacks that, I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to Him. (2 Corinthians 11:2).

When you commit your life to Christ, you become part of His Church, and you become part of His family. Are you a part of God’s Forever Family? He wants you to be. That’s why God sent Jesus to die and pay for our sins.

God puts the lonely in His Family.The church isn’t a club, it’s a family. Everyone needs a family. Whether you’re young, old, single or married, you need a family. Not having a family is why so many are so lonely. Consider all the songs about loneliness. Elvis crooned, Are you lonesome tonight? Hank Williams sang, I’m so lonesome I could cry. The Beatles, Look at all the lonely people. The sad truth is that there are so many lonely people who need a real family, a church family.

Today we quoted the Lord’s Prayer together. What’s the first word, Our? Salvation is not about Jesus and me. It’s about Jesus and us. The church is not about membership, it’s about family. The church has lost God’s plan. Too often it’s about numbers, not relationships. At Grace, we don’t want you to just join our church. We want you to join our family. So, would you bear with me as I take a page out of Martin Luther King Jr’s famous speech? You see, I have a dream.

This is my dream that when the church service is over, you stay in the room. I see a church when the check is paid, you stay at the table. I see a community that when the tears stop flowing, you keep on hugging. Are you interested in that kind of intimacy because that’s normal Christian intimacy.

The fundamental difference between the 1^st century church and the church of today is that the 1^st century church desperately needed each other, and they knew it. Today believers desperately need each other and so many Christians either don’t know it or worse, have forgotten it.

1^st century Christ-followers knew they couldn’t be spiritually strong, fight temptation, endure suffering or persecution without the family of God. And neither can we! Acts 2:46-47, And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. How often did they meet together? Every day. It’s why they weren’t lonely. It’s why they had God’s power. We think we’re pushing it if we meet for an hour a week. God wants us to be a family. That’s why we see this repeated command in the New Testament – one another. There are 59 of them in the New Testament. Today we can only mention a few, so let’s consider five of them. So, how do get back to spiritual family?

We serve each other – Galatians 5:13.True greatness and spiritual family are shown through selfless service, as modeled by Jesus. He washed feet. Is there anything we shouldn’t be willing to do for each other? It means putting others’ needs before yours. Service is how we put Christ’s love into action.

We show hospitality to each other – 1 Peter 4:9.This isn’t entertainment to impress people with your home or cooking. When was the last time you opened your home? When was the last time you invited someone out to eat? Hospitality means welcoming others, particularly through actions like sharing your home, resources, and time. It’s a tangible expression of God’s love for us and a way to build relationships and point others to Christ.

We’re kind to each other – Ephesians 4:32.This means treating each other with gentleness. If we’re to treat each other with kindness, we can’t elevate ourselves, so we come off that we’re more important than others. Those with pride feel entitled. It thinks my way is the right way or it’s the only way. Humility thinks of others before it thinks of itself.

We encourage each other – 1 Thessalonians 4:18.We can’t encourage each other too much. Those around us are starving for encouragement. It’s why Grace is a “drama free” church. This world criticizes and finds fault. That can’t be us! We need mutual support within the church family, building each other up. Our world beats us up, making us vulnerable to discouragement. Encouragement builds confidence, helps us persevere through trials and stay focused on what’s good, rather than dwelling on past mistakes or future anxieties. Please make encouragement a daily practice, not a sporadic event. If something doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it!

We love each other – John 13:34-35.Loving each other proves we’re truly Christ-followers. It’s demonstrated through selfless actions, patience, kindness, putting others’ needs first. It means spending time with each other, not just our gang or clique. The model for this love is Christ’s love. The ultimate example is Jesus laying down His life for us.

Conclusion

I love this story from Craig Groeschel. He shared of a single mom who was invited to church and was scared to death to come because she was an exotic dancer. She came and she felt loved, but no one knew what she did. She was so hurting and so broken that she took a risk and went to a small group of those her own age. Before she went she came up with a cover story. She wasn’t going to tell them about her real job, so they didn’t judge her or run her out. But early in the group that night some other guy, a man, started confessing about his pornography struggle. And with her background, she thought they’re gonna judge him and criticize him, and they’re going to shame him. Instead, they did the opposite. Even the ladies didn’t judge him. They listened and they prayed for him and they loved him.

She was so overwhelmed that she just blurted out, “I need help. I’m a single mom. I’m a stripper because it pays good. I can’t do anything else. I don’t know what to do.” And they did exactly what they did to the guy, they just loved her, and they welcomed her and prayed for her.

At the end without her knowing it, they took up an offering for her and appointed someone to tell her that we’ve raised money for you to help you pay your rent. If you actually quit your job, we’ll cover your rent and try to help you get a new job.

She was so blown away that she quit her job. They paid her rent and another guy helped introduce her to a different job by the end of that week. She was employed somewhere else at a little bit lower salary and a lot higher self-worth because she was becoming who God wanted to her to become.

You may not have been a stripper but all of us are some version of that story. We must show God’s grace to anyone and everyone so that God can transform their lives.

I’ve been your pastor for nearly 40 years, and you probably don’t know who you’re sitting next to and where they’ve come from…and it doesn’t matter. They just need to know that God loves them, that Jesus died for them and paid for their sins. He wants them to come to Him and have a whole new life. He wants to give them a new family of brothers and sisters – that’s us!

Do you want to know the cure for loneliness? Look around this morning. Look at the person beside you, in front of you and behind you. It’s Jesus and it’s you and it’s me! It’s the cure you need. It’s the cure I need and it’s the cure the community right outside our doors needs.

It’s why we’re here. It’s why we exist as a church. We’re the place where God puts the lonely into a family. You and I are the hands and feet of Christ. We must reach out and show the love of Jesus to everyone, to all the lonely people. Will you be part of Jesus’ cure for our lonely world?