Not responding is a response. – Jonathan Caroll

Do you believe in ghosts? I don’t believe in ghosts. I suppose that I’m open to the possibility, but never in my life have I seen an apparition of anything ghost-like. Yet, while I don’t believe in ghosts, I have been “ghosted.”  

How about you? Have you ever been ghosted? It can be a very painful and even destructive experience. I think it’s so painful because it denies personhood to the one being ghosted. 

Ghosting is something that can happen to anyone, in any social circle, or from any particular social group, even in the church. However, we Americans seem to have perfected this to a finely crafted art.

What is ghosting?

You may not know the term, but you probably know the action. Ghosting is when someone abruptly ends a relationship or friendship with limited or no explanation, and then they proceed to quickly disappear from your life.

“Family Ghosting” is probably the most painful. Some years ago, I remember talking to a mother whose daughter ghosted her. Her daughter had cut her off with no contact with her, even though they lived a few miles away from each other. It was heartbreaking for that mom. There may have been extenuating circumstances to why it had happened. The mom didn’t share with me what had happened. She did share her deep pain. 

The person who’s been ghosted often feels a huge amount of pain because at some level they feel they’ve been used. Psychologists tell us that the experience can be very traumatic. The reason why a ghosted victim feels so bad when they’re ghosted is that social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. 

It also leaves you in an ambiguous territory. You’re unsure how to react because you’re in the dark on what happened. You may struggle with anger and feeling upset, yet you’re also wondering if the other person had some freak accident and is lying in a hospital somewhere. 

Ghosting disrupts a person emotionally. One of its most sinister aspects is that it does not just cause you to question your relationship with that person and its validity, it makes you question yourself: How could I not see this coming? I’ve seen this individual do this to others; how could I be such a poor judge of character? How did I cause this? What can I do to ensure this never happens to me again? All these questions going on in our heads are evidence that ghosting rattles our self-worth and self-esteem.It’s a form of emotional cruelty that’s passive-aggressive, leaving psychological bruises and scars. 

As a pastor, I’m most aware of ghosting that takes place in families. With Mother’s Day next Sunday and Father’s Day in June, not to mention summer weddings or other occasions where families gather, the rawness of ghosting oozes to the surface. 

While ghosting has a label today, it’s not new. Joseph was ghosted by his brothers as they sold him as a slave. King David ghosted his son, Absalom, rather than confronting him after Absalom had murdered his half-brother, Amnon. Jesus was ghosted by His disciples after He was arrested by the Sanhedrin. Only John was still there for Him at the cross. 

Christians don’t ghost in relationships.

It’s that simple. Even in those difficult with a parent and an adult child, there is a responsibility to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). You can’t fix what you don’t know. If the other person is unaware of what has precipitated the breakdown, it is impossible for them to resolve, apologize and take responsibility. No one is psychic. Unless you have told them, it is foolish to assume that they know. Add to that, if the other person is an unbeliever, ghosting can be a barrier to them coming to Christ and if they are a believer, ghosting them may sow a root of bitterness and hinder their spiritual growth.

Ghosting can happen with family members. My experience is that it most often happens regarding the division of an inheritance. You may feel it isn’t right, yet it’s just money. Personal relationships are much more valuable. Instead of ghosting, if you believe there’s been an injustice, bring it out in the open, deal with and seek to resolve it. If it’s unresolvable, move on. 

As a pastor, I’ve officiated at far too many funerals where there was great regret over an unresolved issue that now no longer can be resolved. Life is fragile. We never know when we’re saying goodbye for the last time. I’d urge you to have as few relational regrets as possible. 

To problem-solve we need to first suspect the sinner we know best – ourselves.

Ask the Lord to show you blind spots or help you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. When we stop playing the “blame-game,” and look in the mirror of God’s Word and our own heart, it’s astounding how often we see our own guilt and personal responsibility. 

We need to choose to courageously have the hard conversations.

Most of us despise confrontations. Ghosting though is frequently just cowardice. If we’re tempted to ghost someone, chances are we’ve also felt the pain of being ghosted. You won’t find a Bible passage on justifying ghosting. You will find countless passages calling us to love, kindness and forgiveness. The Bible commands us to love one another as we love ourselves, even when it means dealing with uncomfortable situations. 

When we’re afraid of delivering a hard truth, Proverbs gives us a beautiful picture of healthy relationships: Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet (Proverbs 27:5-7). While the wounds from a friend or family member are painful, they’re better than lies. A friend doesn’t mask the truth but presents it in a gracious and humble manner. A friend doesn’t keep their love hidden but chooses to have those difficult conversations. 

Hiding your true feelings by pulling a Houdini prevents your Christian friendships from operating as Christ’s church should. We can’t build one another up in holiness if we are ghosting and lying by disappearing.

As we grow in grace, we’ll be faced with hard conversations. We need to resist the cultural pull to simply ghost others when these hard situations come up. It doesn’t mean we can be cruel in our responses. Hard conversations can be done respectfully and humbly. 

So, be a mature Christ-follower. Have the hard conversation. Refuse to ghost. It’s awkward and painful, but true friendships may grow from it. You may be able to repair a relationship that’s been broken. May the words from Romans 12:18 be true of us. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.