Scripture: 2 Samuel 13:1-39
Sermon Series: 2 Samuel: When God is Your King! – Sermon 13
There aren’t many things that come out of Hollywood that I’m thankful for. One though that I’m thankful for is the #MeToo Movement. The phrase “Me Too” was launched by sexual assault survivor turned activist, Tarana Burke (picture) in 2006. She was raped and sexually assaulted both as a child and a teenager, but she wasn’t famous. In 2017, the hashtag #MeToo took off, drawing attention to the pervasiveness of the problem after the exposure of numerous sexual-abuse allegations against well-known film producer Harvey Weinstein (picture). Things that had long been whispered about among the rich and powerful, were now rightfully exposed.
2 Samuel 13 is one of those stories in the Bible that make us weep. It’s the account of an innocent young woman, who’s abused. She suffered at the hands of a member of her family, the family of her father, King David.
It’s an account that speaks directly to a topic that dominates our news. Sadly, this is not an evil out there. There are those among us who’ve suffered abuse, even possibly from a family member where they should have been safe. As Christ-followers, we must care about such pain in our culture, community and victims even in our own church family. Often, we’re sitting beside individuals like we find in our text that are victims of Family Secrets.
God’s Word speaks to us in every area of life, even the worst. Why would God preserve a story like this if it were not to speak to one of the most painful realities that can happen in a person’s life? This may be painfully personal for you or for someone you love. It may bring back painful memories – of a relative or a date that turned ugly. Sexual abuse doesn’t happen only to girls. Boys can be victimized. It’s a painful and terrible sin.
I want to recommend a book entitled, Rid of my Disgrace (picture). It’s a powerful book that includes stories of people who’ve been abused and found healing through Jesus Christ. It’s written by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb, a pastor and wife with extensive ministry experience in this area. If you or someone you love has suffered this pain, I’d encourage you to secure a copy.
Sin always splatters on those closest to us. That’s the mood of 2 Samuel 13. There are two kinds of trouble a family can experience. Trouble from without or from within. Though both can be devastating, the more devastating is trouble from within. We know it’s true in the physical realm, you reap what you sow, but we want to deny it in the spiritual realm. As we see in David’s life, reaping is more painful and extensive in the spiritual.
2 Samuel 13 is a heartbreaking disaster. David’s past sins come home. Nathan’s prophecy is being fulfilled. God’s Word is true. His prophecies always come through. Bad parenting often results in wayward children.
David’s adultery and murder have a horrible impact on his family. Matthew Henry (picture) said something that should make us catch our breath. “Godly parents have often been afflicted with wicked children; grace does not run in the blood, but corruption does.” There’s no question David is forgiven. If though you lose an eye in a brawl, you can be forgiven, but you still lost your eye. Bible Scholar Alec Motyer (picture) notes, “repentance is like fetching back a stone one has just thrown into a pool; the stone can be retrieved, but the ripples go on spreading.” David is experiencing the painful consequences of forgiven sin. Absalom and Amnon display the worst traits of David: Amnon sexually sins like David with Bathsheba; Absalom commits murder like David against Uriah. Both Bathsheba and Tamar experience great grief because of these men’s actions.
2 Samuel 13 unpacks with a sad sequence of events. The account unfolds in four ugly scenes. If you’re taking notes…
Scene One: The Decadent Son
2 Samuel 13 begins with Absalom’s name and chapter 14 ends with his name. This is not just a story about Amnon and Tamar, it’s the beginning of the larger narrative of Absalom.
Amnon’s evil is sexual in nature. David’s sin is never far below the surface. Tamar is described as “beautiful.” That’s how Bathsheba was described. David’s sins return to haunt him. Sin usually does that.
The main players are David’s sons and his daughter. The drama played out is extremely personal. David had at least eight wives and at least 20 children.
Amnon is David’s oldest son from his second wife, Ahinoam of Jezreel. He was born in Hebron during David’s reign in Judah and heir apparent to the throne. While David was a great king, a brave warrior, he was a terrible dad. Speaking of another of David’s sons, 2 Kings 1:6 says, “His father had spoiled him rotten as a child, never once reprimanding him.”
Eli had the same problem. Visit a Chucky Cheese and you’ll see this isn’t an ancient problem. Many children have never heard the word “No.”
The name Amnon means “faithful.” Absalom means “his father’s peace.” Tamar means “palm tree” signifying fruitfulness. None of them, not even Tamar, because of events beyond her control, will live up to their names.
The passage tells us that Amnon “loved” Tamar. Unfortunately, Hebrew only has one word for “love.” But this isn’t love, it’s lust.
1 Corinthians 13 unpacks love for us. Love is two vital things that are missing here. It’s sacrificial and it’s a choice. Many young women have lost their purity to some guy who said, “If you loved me, you’d have sex with me.” That’s not love. Love wants what’s best for the other person. It’s why true love waits. If Amnon truly loved Tamar, he’d want to protect his sister. But he only wants to sacrifice her on his pleasure.
Lust is a passion. It made Amnon sick. Lust is an unrestrained sexual craving. It’s driven by pleasing oneself and doesn’t care if it hurts others. It’s hard to control and can’t just be turned off. You can’t negotiate with lust. That’s why if you’re hooked on porn, you have a hard time stopping, “just one more site.” It’s why the Bible tells us to run from lust.
Amnon as first born felt he had privileges that the other sons didn’t have. It was evil for him to nurture a perverse love for his half-sister. He should have stopped feeding that appetite the moment it started. His desire played him. It wasn’t only unnatural; it violated the standards of sexual purity established by God’s law. Be warned. In a culture that doesn’t know what gender is, incest will become more common and accepted as normal.
Amnon is someone who lives without God. We are made for a relationship with God but if you live without God, something will take the place of God. In Amnon’s life, it was lust. Passion took control of his life. He lived by his feelings as so many do today. If they feel something, then it must be right.
Amnon is infatuated with Tamar. He convinces himself that he loves her. Her virginity made her even more attractive. He could have had any woman that he wanted but he wants the one that he can’t legitimately have. He’s a sexual predator. Men in power are often sexual predators. Bill Clinton was probably the worst in recent times in politics. It breaks my heart that sexual predators hide in pulpits. Recently a report came out that megachurch pastor, Robert Morris (picture) molested a 12-year-old in the 1980’s.
Let’s learn this from the first scene. If God is not sovereign in your life, someone or something else will be.
Scene Two: The Crafty Friend
Verse 3 tells us that Amnon “had a friend.” “Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?” Not always. It depends on what kind of friend you have. Choose your friends wisely, because there are friends in whose company it’s easy to do good and there are friends in whose company it’s easy to do evil.
Jonadab, David’s nephew was “crafty.” He wasn’t wise but had street-smarts. He’s a guy who makes things happen, who gets things done. In a positive realm, you want him on your sales team. He can figure out how to move the product. It’s commendable when it’s used in the right direction.
Jonadab had craftiness without ethics. He has no integrity. He knew Amnon well enough to recognize that Amnon was messed up. He asks, “Why are you so haggard morning after morning?” And Amnon tells him.
If Jonadab had been a wise friend, he’d have told Amnon to take a cold shower and how perverse his lust was. But Jonadab has earthly wisdom, not true wisdom. “This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic” (James 3:15).
An action man has an action plan. He comes up with a process that’s very skillful. He’s able to involve even David in the process and used him to get Tamar to come to Amnon. So, Amnon goes with the plan. He “lay down,” and he “pretended to be ill.” It’s interesting, isn’t it, that David, in receiving this word, does what his son wants, which he probably, in this case, shouldn’t have done; and Tamar obeys her father, which was the right thing for her to do, never anticipating what awaited her.
Who are your friends? Anyone in our lives who makes it easier to sin is a terrible friend. Beware of the friend who only supports what you want but is disconnected from godliness.
Scene Three: The Godly Daughter
Tamar is not just beautiful, she’s godly. She goes where her father the king sends her. She has compassion and does the menial task of a servant to care for her sick brother.
How come Tamar was so beautiful? Because God made her that way—the same God who made Bathsheba beautiful, the same God who made Abigail beautiful, the same God who fashions everybody according to His own plan and purpose. God designs you and me. We must trust the Master Designer.
But as we’ve seen before, good looks bring their own challenges. She’s a royal princess. As a royal princess, the picture we have of her is tragic in its beauty. It’s ultimately a dreadful picture because she’s the focus of Amnon’s affection or more honestly, the focus of Amnon’s attention.
Jonadab’s evil plan is carried out. David gives an executive order. It’s incredible how gullible he is. Does he really think Tamar can care for Amnon better than palace doctors? Is he that naïve? Joyce Baldwin (picture) points out that “most mothers would have had no patience with such a request.”
Parents can be so preoccupied with their lives and careers that they’re not thinking or unaware of their kids’ problems. Busy parents take heed.
Tamar, the obedient daughter follows her dad’s instructions. She trusted Amnon. Shouldn’t you be able to trust your own brother?
What do we see when we see her in the kitchen? I think we see her beauty, her kindness, and her compassion. Apparently, her brother is ill, in need of attention. She has the ability to help him. Don’t you see all of those things?
But what do you think Amnon saw? None of that. He saw a sex object. He wasn’t remotely interested in what she was doing. It’s all an act. He’s only focused on what he’s planning to do.
This all takes an interesting turn. It must have been for her too. When she took the pan and emptied it out before him, he refused to eat. There’s no indication that she has any suspicion of what’s going on. She’s been protected as virgins were back then by her dad. She’s lives in and has been secluded in the palace. At some level may we raise more Tamars in the church. “To the pure, all things are pure” (Titus 1:15).
It’s here that Amnon makes his move. He doesn’t ask to marry her; he just wants sex. In this highly charged encounter Tamar keeps her wits. She appeals to whatever conscience her brother might have left. He wants to do what can never be undone, stealing her virginity. He wants to do what’s unlawful and vile. She doesn’t plead just for herself. She speaks to his own interests. Amnon is next in line for the crown, but if he does this, he’ll be the lowest man in the kingdom, playing the fool. Tamar says that such things aren’t done in Israel, though they’d recently been done by Israel’s king.
But if marriage between siblings is outlawed in Israel and a violation of God’s Law, why does Tamar suggest it? I think she’s trying to stall and prevent the unthinkable. She suggests he talk to their dad. I think in her mind David would rebuke his son for having such terrible thoughts. But her logic doesn’t prevail. She loses. This shameless act of violence has nothing to do with love. Tamar is an innocent victim, Amnon a godless pervert. The narrator wants us to be outraged. Today’s music and Hollywood glamorize rape but it’s exactly how Tamar describes it. It’s an outrageous thing. Let’s learn this from the third scene. Cling to purity yet be wise about how evil this world is. What transpires next is what makes this sexual crime even more evil. It’s the responses of the three men in her life.
Amnon treats her like a piece of garbage. This isn’t unusual in sex crimes. He “hated her with [a] very great hatred.” He lusted after her with a burning desire. For him to hate her now is an expression of a deep-seated hatred.
Statistics tell us that every 68 seconds someone is sexually assaulted in America. Rape victims are often murdered.
Did you ever notice in movies that after sex, one partner leaves. They got what they wanted, so why stay? They didn’t make love. They had sex.
Amnon doesn’t kill her, he rejects her. Having gratified his lust, his “love” turns to hatred. He forces her out. She argues with him not to do that. It’d make her look like a prostitute.
The problem for Amnon was that there’s a witness – Tamar. How would he look her in the face? Forcing her out, bolting the door made it look like she came on to him, that he’d been seduced, and is the victim. She’s so shamed that she pleads to stay with her rapist. She appeals to his humanity, but he’s acted like an animal. John Woodhouse (picture) points out, “woman” isn’t in the original. “Put this out.” She’s no longer a person, just garbage to be discarded. Bolting the door after her meant for Tamar the door of marriage was bolted against her for good. In that culture, she was damaged goods.
Leaving an example that modern victims of sex crimes comprehend, she can’t just go on with life. Look at her clothes. Remember Joseph’s coat of many colors? The terminology is similar. She was wearing clothes that expressed her status as a princess and a virgin. But no outfit can cover her shame, so she put ashes on her head and tears the robe. Even her clothes testify of the horrible shame of what’s been done to her. In a moment her life is shattered and she’s in tatters. She leaves Amnon’s house with the common symbols of mourning. Modern day Amnons find delight in shaming their victims. No one will love you if they find out what you did.
Absalom silences her and simmers in hate. Hollywood playwright, Rick Garmon’s (picture) daughter, Katie, was a victim of date rape. She was 18 years old and a freshman in college. Too humiliated to speak about what had happened—even with her family—Katie switched schools and attempted to move on with her life. But like Tamar, Katie wasn’t the only one struggling with inner demons. Her father was fighting his own battle against the desire for revenge at any cost. As soon as he heard the news, Garmon developed a plan to kill the man who’d so deeply wounded his daughter. Fortunately, he never went through with it.
That’s Absalom. Absalom has perception that David lacked. He seems to have suspected something was off with Amnon. Because Absalom is so central in this narrative, you have to wonder if perhaps some of Amnon’s motive in raping his sister was to stick it to Absalom.
Either Tamar made her way to her brother’s house, or her brother saw her as she made her way there. Tears cascade down her cheeks. Her flowing robes are tattered. Look what Absalom said to her. “And her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.’” (2 Samuel 13:20). Absalom took one look and knew Amnon raped her. This speaks volumes about Amnon’s character and his reputation. Absalom knew what happened before she said a thing because Amnon’s terrible reputation preceded him. Hold your peace was Absalom’s way of telling her she wouldn’t need to deal with this alone. He’d help right this wrong.
When he said, “He is your brother.” That wasn’t speaking of family solidarity. It meant that it’d be difficult for Absalom to deal with Amnon because he was the prince and greatly loved son of David. He’s also in line for the throne. It seems that Absalom wasn’t confident that David had the backbone to deal with this crime because his love for his son would keep him from correcting him. But what should have happened? The law was clear when it came to incest. Raping your sister was the death penalty.
Tamar lived in her brother’s house and never returned home to the palace. She lives as a “desolate” woman. Desolate describes one living without joy or hope. She needs to know that she didn’t do anything wrong. I wish someone could have reached out to help her – to point her to the God who would never cast her aside. Her great-great nephew one day would understand. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted. He comforts all who mourn and provides for those who grieve a crown for their ashes, and garments of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
As far as we know, she never married or recovered from the rape. It’s the last time we find Tamar in the Bible. We don’t know how things ended but her future looks terrible.
Absalom is “taking this to heart.” While he seems to be the essence of self-control, concealing his anger and hatred, acting as if nothing happened. In his heart, he’s already planned to make Amnon pay. He has the motive. All he needs is means and opportunity. It comes in two years. Until then, Absalom does not even speak to Amnon. He treats him as though he doesn’t exist; soon he will not exist. Mark it down. Simmering in bitterness and hatred only hurts the carrier. The story that begins with love ends with hate.
David is passively angry. Dr. Pierre Mornell was a psychiatrist in San Francisco (picture). He wrote a book, Passive Men, Wild Women. In it he describes several of his clients. Across the years of his practice many women came to Dr. Mornell with the same complaint. They were married to highly successful men, men who drove across the Golden Gate Bridge every day into the financial district of San Francisco where they made their mark on the world. These men are leaders in every way and everywhere—except at home. Each night when they come home, they cease to be leaders; the only mark they make at home is on the chair in which they sit. Their wives become widows long before their time. A passive man ignores the elephant in the room and refuse to acknowledge issues even though they’re becoming more and more painfully obvious the longer that he refuses to address them.
David is the classic passive man. Perhaps that’s part of Absalom’s anger. He’d grown up hearing stories of David’s heroism and courage. His father was his hero but at the crucial moment when courage and heroism were so desperately needed, on behalf of his own daughter, David does nothing.
“When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry” (2 Samuel 13:21). The man who stood up to the giant Goliath does nothing to avenge his little girl. David should have gotten angry. He’d been played. He’s the king. He’s responsible for bringing about justice. He’s angry with no action.
Anger isn’t wrong. It’s a God-given emotion to motivate us to action. Amnon needs to be punished; Tamar needs to be exonerated. But this is all there is! David just got mad.
How many dads never deal with home problems? They just get mad. How many are passive about the spiritual and the eternal? They’re not the spiritual leaders God has called them to be. When it comes to the spiritual, you’ll find that it’s the wife who initiates attending a church and usually she’s the one who initiates leaving a church. Her husband follows when he should lead.
J.D. Greear (picture) insightfully writes, “Were most of the men in our church to show the same level of apathy in their jobs as they do in their home lives, they would have been fired long ago.” The greatest temptation men face is not outright evil, it’s passivity and apathy.
I wonder how the story might have ended if David acted as a leader. If he’d acted biblically? He should have taken Tamar into his house and called the rape the evil that it was. He should have, according to Leviticus, executed or at the very least excommunicated Amnon, firstborn or not. He should have spoken to Tamar, “I love you sweetheart. You will always be my precious princess. I’m so sorry for Amnon’s sin against you. What he did was evil, but honey, God is good and gracious. May my love be a small taste of his love for you.” Then imagine David taking Tamar by the hand and opening a closet door with beautiful robes for his virgin daughters. She protests, “Father, I can’t. I’m no longer pure.” And he responds, “My sweet child, you are white as snow in God’s eyes.” Tamar could have been restored by grace.
Was it David’s own guilt that locked him in neutral? This is all so similar to his adultery with Bathsheba which was at the very least a “power rape.”
But David doesn’t console his daughter or confront his son. The Septuagint says that David doesn’t deal with Amnon because he’s the first born, next in line for the throne, and David loved him.
Many parents refuse to deal with the sins of their children in the name of love. What an unbiblical and unloving thing not to discipline a child. Please don’t tell me you can’t confront your child because you love them too much. That’s not love. It’s selfishness. It’s cowardice.
David is guilty of it. May we as parents respond biblically to the wrongs our children commit, lovingly but firmly rebuking sin. No excuses. No favorites.
Don’t be sidelined like David. We think, “I can’t tell my kids not to live together before marriage, because I did. I can’t tell my kids not to be sexually involved, because I did.” Friend, don’t let the sins of your past keep you from correcting your children in the present. Instead let them drive you to correct them. You understand the suffering sin brought into your life, so be super motivated to turn your children away from repeating the same sins.
Scene Four: The Blow-up of Bitterness
Jeremy Taylor (picture) said, “Revenge…is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with a greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion.” We rarely get vengeance right. No one wants a world where evil goes unpunished, but it’s always dangerous for us to take justice into our own hands.
For the second time David is manipulated by one of his sons. Food had been part of the rape plot, now it’s part of the murder plot. Sheep shearing was a big celebration. It was like the Super Bowl for shepherds. This scene has similarities to the murder of Uriah. David killed Uriah to get something, Absalom got to be second in line for the throne. David didn’t personally kill Uriah; Absalom had his servants do the dirty deed. Alcohol was involved with both. David tried to get Uriah drunk and Absalom got Amnon drunk.
Apparently, as Jonadab had been in on the rape plot, he’s in on the assassination plot. He knows that only Amnon has been killed. He’s a political animal, adept at playing both sides for personal benefit. He’s not a friend you want. He’s perhaps the most dangerous man in the whole fiasco.
Absalom is cool and calculated. He conceals his hatred; he hides his anger and acts as if nothing has happened. But in his heart, he’s been plotting revenge for two years, murder. He uses the party servers to take Amnon out. The rest of the king’s sons, fearing assassination, flee. Chaos reigns for a while in the palace until the truth is known, that only Amnon is dead.
Absalom fled too, but not back to David. He flees 80 miles north of Jerusalem, beyond Israel’s borders where he finds safe haven.
The destination of his asylum is noteworthy. Absalom finds refuge with his maternal grandfather. It appears that Absalom had already made the arrangements. He knew his grandfather would take him in and that David wouldn’t want war with Geshur. He goes away for three years and waits for David to get used to the idea that not only was one of his sons a rapist, another is a murderer. No doubt the King of Geshur is sympathetic to his estranged grandson hearing of the rape of his granddaughter. It will be three years of exile and another two years once he returns to Israel before Absalom sees his dad again. Surely the seeds of revolution are planted at this time.
Most of us wouldn’t have difficulty defining what a grudge is. The word occurs only once in our English Bible, in Leviticus 19:18, “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” But there is no word in the Hebrew text for grudge. The text simply says, “You must not have it in for any of the children of your people.”
The idea is that people with grudges remember being offended and store that memory in their hearts where it festers and in time produces all kinds of terrible things. The other feature of the text are those last words: “I am the Lord.” In other words, we’re to let God take care of things and leave our grudges with Him. It dishonors Him in a way that few things can.
Yet, if we’re honest, all of us would have to admit that there’s a little bit of Absalom in all of us. Absalom is not the rare exception. He’s the universal rule. “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another”(Titus 3:3). We struggle with forgiving and letting go of grudges. Are you carrying a grudge this morning? What’s the message for us from this fourth scene? Bitterness always costs more than we can imagine with God and with those we love.
Conclusion
Why did God include this sad chapter in our Bibles? Lust, rape, murder? There’s a warning here. David is reaping what he’d sown. Nathan predicted it, 2 Samuel 12:10, “Now therefore the sword shall never depart from your house.” Was David forgiven? Yes, but forgiven sin is still costly. What are our lessons? What are the Take Home Truths?
Sin has devastating consequences. Forgiven sin can still be painful. You can’t sow wild oats and then pray for crop failure. Galatians 6:7-8, “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption.” May we heed God’s warning. Sin is serious. It’s not something to be played with. Sin’s price tag is always higher than it looks.
Unresolved sin only grows worse. Sin starts out small and private but grows large and very public. How many marriages have ended in divorce because a husband or a wife refuses to confront the sin of the other? They don’t want to make waves or cause problems. How many families encounter more tragedy because of pride – “let’s keep this a secret.” Sinful Family Secrets always come out in the end.Never underestimate the aggressiveness of your sinful heart. Sin splatters all over everyone close to you.
We must learn from the characters in this story. Amnon warns us about the pursuit of lust. Jonadab warns us about the danger of using the evil of others for selfish gain. He facilitates evil when he should rebuke it. David instructs us concerning passivity toward sin. His inaction only facilitated the sins of others. From Absalom, we learn the danger of resentment and bitterness. He wasn’t willing to deal with Amnon biblically. He wanted revenge and in doing so became a murderer and a fugitive.
But as we read this chapter did you notice someone missing? God. He’s never mentioned. No one is doing righteousness in Israel, but there’s coming one who will – Jesus, the Son of David.
Sin makes a mess out of life; Jesus came to deliver us from the mess. “You shall call His name Jesus for He will deliver His people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21). Only Jesus can solve the trainwreck sin causes. Regardless of your morality or decency, sin has caused a mess in your life. Only Jesus can forgive us our sins and provide grace when others sin against us. In His mercy He can diminish the consequences. That’s grace! It’s the power of God’s love. That’s the power of the gospel!
Have you let the gospel transform your life or are you still living in all of the mess? Until we surrender to Christ, our lives like David’s family, will be a royal mess. Let’s learn from David.