Scripture: Exodus 20:16
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 06
During the Korean War some American Army officers rented a house and hired a Korean boy to cook and do housework for them. He was a very cheerful, good-natured young man, and the soldiers soon had a lot of fun playing practical jokes on him.
They’d nail his shoes to the floor or balance a bucket of water on the door so that when he opened it, the water would come splashing down on him. But no matter how many tricks they played on him; he always took it with good humor. So, these soldiers eventually started feeling bad about the mean tricks they were playing and sat down one day with the Korean boy.
“We’ve been doing all these mean things to you, and you’ve taken it so nicely. We just want to apologize to you and tell you that we’re never going to do those things again.”
“You mean no more nail shoes to floor?”
“No more,” they assured him.
“You mean no more water on door?”
“No more.”
“Okay, then,” he said. “Me no more spit in soup.”
What about you? Have you been smiling but all along you’ve been spitting in the soup. Are you passive-aggressive? Today as part of our series, Dealing with Toxic People, we want to use God’s Word to help us get a handle on Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People. If you’re taking notes…
1. What does it mean to be passive-aggressive?
The term was first used at the end of World War II. A colonel in the army used it to describe the immature behavior of men under his command. These troops would become intentionally unresponsive and would carry out orders they disliked in a sluggish or ineffective way. They were going through the motions of obeying orders but really weren’t obeying them.
A passive-aggressive person appears to comply yet actually resists in subtle ways. It’s indirect resistance. The resistance can range from pouting to delayed vindictiveness. According to Dr. Katie Schubert (picture), “Passive-aggressive behavior refers to a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings, resentment or anger instead of addressing them directly. These behaviors are generally subtle and disguised as something else.”
All of us exhibit passive-aggressiveness at some point, usually as children when it wasn’t safe to be openly defiant. As we mature, we should learn healthier behaviors like setting boundaries and expressing our disagreements more honestly and openly.
Yet, in a relationship rather than having honest problem-solving communication, one party may resort to acting passive-aggressively. Communication is taking place, but it has an edge and leaves an out for plausible deniability that the other person misunderstood you.
For example, imagine that we run out of toilet paper in our home. I notice, and become frustrated with Jane, because I feel the shopping is her responsibility. Having stewed on it for a bit, I may ask a seemingly innocent question: “Did we buy more toilet paper at the store this week?” Now we both know that what I’m actually saying is: “You failed at your job,” but I’m not actually saying it. It’s aggressive because I am accusing her of failure. It’s passive because I’m doing it in an indirect way. The bottom line is that it’s dishonest because I’m not saying what I actually mean.
It’s a way for a professing Christian to feel smugly self-righteous but avoid conflict. This way of speaking is very attractive and provides an escape from arguments. If Jane calls me out for accusing her of not doing her job, I can simply say: “I was only asking a question. I wasn’t accusing you of anything!” I have plausible deniability. I can launch my complaint but then retreat while covering my tracks. And add to that, by asking the question that way, I can also implicitly point out that Jane is the one who should go and buy more toilet paper. I get to avoid considering whether I should lovingly serve my wife by running to the store.
Passive-aggressiveness is dishonest, not to mention cowardly. It’s a sin to fail to be truthful and a deceitful way to avoid conflict while pretending to be pleasant yet communicating disapproval. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, “Behind the smile, a hidden knife.”
Did you know that if you’re from Wisconsin, you probably have a Wisconsin accent? But most people with an accent don’t know it.
An Australian girl was traveling through the American South when she met an elderly gentleman who was fascinated with her accent. After a couple minutes of friendly conversation, he finally said, in a thick southern drawl, “I just love yer accent. Can you hear an accent on me?”
The guy couldn’t hear himself. Many of us can be the same way when it comes to being passive aggressive. Usually, it comes out in our conversations. We’ve lost the ability to hear ourselves. It’s become so habitual we’re unaware of it. Complaining feels like we’re just telling the truth. Unwholesome talk sounds humorous, or at least like an appropriate way to express emotion. We’re deaf to our own passive-aggressive ways. Usually, we can identify behaviors that suggest we’re being passive-aggressive by asking a few questions:
- Do I imply unfairness when someone has something I can’t have? Example: “I love your dress. I wish I could afford something like that, but I have to take care of my mother.”
- Do I give backhanded compliments to mask jealousy? Example: “Oh, your new house is so cute—for a starter home.”
- Do I make a point to ignore or behave coldly toward someone with whom I’m irritated? Example: Someone engages me in a conversation that I’m irritated with, so I keep checking my phone or glancing over their shoulder.
- Do I complain about someone rather than talk directly to the person? Example: George was confused when he didn’t get the promotion he’d been promised. Rather than confronting his boss, he started rumors that his boss was unethical.
- Do I try to sabotage someone else’s success when she has offended me? Example: “Oh, I know you’re on a diet, but I couldn’t resist buying this fantastic dessert for you.”
- Do I keep score and make certain that slights and snubs are kept even? Example: Sue didn’t invite me to her last party, so I send party invitations to everyone in the office but her.
- Do I hide behind vague comments on social media, geared toward embarrassing, shaming, or exposing someone whom I have not talked to personally or face to face? Example: John posts on Facebook, “Some people need to learn that friendship is more than asking for help moving.”
We must learn to obey Jesus’ Golden Rule. It will obliterate passive-aggression. Matthew 7:12 says, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them…” We’re to treat others the way we want them to treat us, not the way they’ve already treated us.
2. Passive-Aggressiveness violates the God’s commands for honesty.
Let’s imagine a few situations—and then think about how you would respond. Here’s the first…You’re picking your car up from the shop after a tune-up and the mechanic says, “This car is in great shape. There’s not a single problem with it.” You thank him and drive off—but later that day you hit the brakes—and the car keeps rolling, and you slam into a tree. Thanks to the airbags you’re okay but an investigation shows the reason the brakes failed is that you were out of brake fluid.
You go back to the mechanic, and say, “Hey! I was out of brake fluid! Why didn’t you tell me?” He replies, “Well, I didn’t want you to feel bad. Plus, to be honest, I was afraid you might get upset with me. I want this service area to be a safe place free of conflict where everyone feels loved and accepted.”
How would you feel? You’d be angry. When you have your car checked, you’re not looking for a good feeling. You want the truth!
Or say that you receive an Alexa Dot for Christmas. You’re enjoying all the things it can do from simple voice commands. Alexa tells you the weather, the news, plays music—and then you learn it can even wake you up in the morning. So, before you go to bed you say, “Alexa, set the alarm for 6:15 AM.” Alexa replies, “Alarm set for 6:15AM.” You go to sleep but wake up at 9 am. You summon Alexa and ask, “Why didn’t the alarm go off at 6:15 AM?” Alexa replies: “I wanted you to be fully rested. Besides, I want you to enjoy having me around. I don’t want you to think of me as some mean alarm clock. I’m afraid if I wake you up early, you won’t use me anymore.”
How would you feel? You’d be unplugging Alexa. Even when it comes to artificial intelligence, we want the truth. When something matters to us, we don’t want fake comfort based on pain avoidance. We want truth.
And the place where we most need truth is right here—in the church. Imagine though going to a church where you hear, “Don’t worry if you can’t control your anger. No one will confront you about that. We don’t like conflict around here. We want everyone to feel comfortable. And don’t worry if you commit sexual sins. Everybody does it! A little adultery, a little open marriage, a little lust – we’ll never tell you that it’s wrong. We might talk occasionally about sin, especially sin out there, but nobody in here will talk to you about your sin because then you wouldn’t feel good. Our goal is for you to walk out of church feeling good!”
Would you want a church like that—a church that just made you feel good—even if that meant ignoring the truth, God’s truth? I hope not. Please don’t misunderstand me. God’s gracious forgiveness of our sin is a wonderful thing. But God’s grace is misunderstood when it leads to worshipping “a good feeling,” instead of actually worshipping Jesus Christ.
That’s the root problem of passive-aggressive behavior – it’s dishonest! It’s the opposite of making sure that you mean what you say. It’s a form of lying.
The 9th commandment says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16). Modern laws about perjury are based on this concept of reinforcing the importance of truth and truthfulness. The 9th commandment is designed to prevent slander and the perversion of justice. Lying and dishonesty corrupt hearts and are abominations to God.
All lying violates God’s law. It’s sin and Scripture clearly labels it as sin. Leviticus 6:2, “If a person sins and commits a trespass against the LORD by lying to his neighbor…” This is consistently reinforced in the Scriptures that show that God hates lying and liars will not be in God’s Kingdom:
“These six things the LORD hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him…a lying tongue, a false witness who speaks lies” (Proverbs 6:16, 19).
“Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who deal truthfully are His delight” (Proverbs 12:22).
“But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8).
Thankfully, since all have sinned, God has made a way for us to repent and be forgiven. Sin is so serious that it required the death of our Savior to pay for our sin. He had to die our death penalty! Lying is not some little sin. But the intent of God’s 9th Commandment goes deeper than not lying. It emphasizes the importance of truth, and of becoming more like the God who hates falsehood but loves truth.
God is the God of truth. He hates lying and wants us to hate it too and to love truth: “He is the Rock, His work is perfect; for all His ways are justice, a God of truth and without injustice; righteous and upright is He” (Deuteronomy 32:4). “His truth endures to all generations” (Psalm 100:5). “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me” (John 14:6).
Truth is so vital to God that He does not, nor will He ever lie. Is there anything impossible for God? Yes! Lying! Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, that He should lie.” Hebrews 6:18, “it is impossible for God to lie.”
But Satan, is the father of lies. Jesus told those ridiculing Him: “You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it” (John 8:44). Since being passive-aggressive is a form of lying, it’s partnering with Satan. This is serious stuff!
- We must choose to obey God by making a prior commitment to be honest, speaking and living out the truth. The Bible never tells us to, “Find a therapist and try to figure out why you’re prone to dishonesty. There must be something in the way your parents treated you at the root of this!” Rather the Bible says, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25). In other words, choose to obey God – be honest.
- We must make a prior commitment to honesty. You must decide to be honest before you’re in a situation that tempts you to lie. Ephesians 4:25 says that we must decisively cast off lying as we’d throw off filthy clothes. It’s part of the old life of deceit. As a new creation in Christ, commit yourself to saying no to lying. What we have here is the principle of replacement. You don’t just stop lying, you also commit yourself to always telling the truth.
- We must make a prior commitment to tell the truth, even if it results in conflict. Sometimes we’re dishonest and act passive-aggressively because we fear what will happen if we’re honest. One way to win this battle to become a person of truth is to resolve to tell the truth even in small matters. Invariably, those who fail in major ways, first are dishonest about small things, until their conscience becomes callused.
- If we blow it, confess it immediately, first to God and then to the one you lied to. It’s foolish to think we can hide our dishonesty from God, yet we foolishly think it’s to our advantage to be dishonest. It’s not. Invariably the truth comes out and our dishonesty will be exposed. The more we’ve covered up, the more it erodes any sense of trust from others. It’s far better to ask forgiveness even after a minor falsehood, to keep your conscience tender and to maintain trust in relationships. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
We ought to remind ourselves regularly of how much God delights in seeing truth in our inward being. Our relationships will grow healthier if we aggressively battle dishonest passive-aggressive speech.
One word of caution – we sometimes confuse honesty with frankness. There is some truth we don’t need to be forthright about and should just keep to ourselves. Someone put it this way: “Honesty means that everything you say must be true, not that everything that is true must be said.”
When we do need to share painful truth that benefit a person and will help them mature, we must do so in a loving, humble manner. Ephesians 4:15 command us, “Speak the truth in love.” Carole Mayhall (picture) writes, “Honesty is not always the best policy. Truth must be married to love; honesty must be intertwined with kindness.”
3. The Bible addresses every sin problem that we face.
The Bible never uses the term passive aggressive. But it does give us character sketches of people who exhibited these traits and the results of that behavior.
We’ll return to our study of 2 Samuel in a few weeks. David’s son, Absalom, is an example of someone passive aggressive. After Absalom murdered his brother, Amnon, David banished him. Even after he was allowed to return, David refused to have anything to do with him. And Absalom hated his father. He began plotting to take the kingdom from David but did so by feigning compassion and concern for the citizenry. He hinted that his father didn’t care about the people, but if he was crowned king, he’d see that their needs were met. Passive-aggressive people are more dangerous than openly aggressive ones because we usually don’t see the attack coming.
King Ahab demonstrated passive-aggressive behavior when he coveted the vineyard of a neighbor and was denied it. His response was to sulk and pout. That prompted his wicked wife Jezebel to concoct a scheme to kill Naboth, the vineyard owner and give her husband the land. She lied, forged Ahab’s signature, and slandered innocent Naboth, leading to his public execution. Ahab’s passive-aggressiveness launched that disastrous chain of events.
Jesus’ parable of the two sons in Matthew 21 is an example. One said he wouldn’t go and work but did. The other son said he would but didn’t go. The first son, though initially strong-willed, went and worked. He was rebellious but repented. The second son talked a good game but stayed home. He talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk. It’s a type of passive aggressive.
Passive-aggressiveness is a cowardly way to avoid conflict. By pretending to be pleasant while inwardly seething with resentment, we fool ourselves into thinking we’re peacemakers practicing self-control. Often, we communicate contempt without having the courage to openly say so.
Social media has turned passive-aggression into a social plague. We all know what it means to be unfriended or blocked. Some find it easier to vent their frustrations on social media than to have a one-on-one conversation with a friend who offended them. The internet has created countless ways for passive-aggressive people to exact revenge behind the safety of a screen. We have an epidemic of keyboard terrorists.
Whether spoken, acted, or typed, passive-aggressive responses are harmful and dishonest. We pretend to not be offended while secretly planning ways to get even. Leviticus 19:17 warns, “Do not harbor hatred against your brother. Rebuke your neighbor directly, and you will not incur guilt because of him.” Scripture instructs us to confront sin in a loving, humble way, even taking someone with us if the offender refuses to listen (Matthew 18:15-17).
We must be ready to forgive when someone repents. Passive-aggression bypasses those vital steps in relationships and goes directly to anger. Rather than openly confronting wrong and offering an opportunity to restore the relationship, it slips into the judge’s seat and devises subtle ways to get revenge. It’s concealed aggression. It attempts to communicate anger without openly admitting it. Some choose this behavior as revenge for perceived slights. Examples of passive-aggressive behavior can include:
- Avoidance. People use different avoidance strategies to display their anger without being overt about it. Examples include procrastination, avoiding returning a friend’s call, avoiding certain topics of discussion, especially if they know the other person wants to discuss those topics.
- Sarcasm. This is when a person says something they don’t mean. Someone who resorts to sarcasm to make a point or constantly uses it in their normal conversations often struggles with bitterness—usually some kind of disappointment or betrayal. They use sarcasm as a weapon to punish others.
- Silence. The silent treatment allows a person to punish someone without actively doing anything. They might ignore calls or emails, refuse to talk about certain subjects, or selectively withdraw from time to time.
- Subtle digs. Subtle digs are a common form of passive aggression. For example, a person might comment on a topic they know makes another person uncomfortable, such as a bad habit, their marriage or weight.
- Weaponized incompetence. It’s when a person pretends to be incompetent as a way of avoiding an unpleasant task or punishing another person. A spouse might pretend to not to know how to clean a bathroom, or do a terrible job like styling a child’s hair, so they don’t have to keep doing it.
And please know that passive-aggressive people can hide out in churches. Pastors can be numbered among them given their tendency to be compliant and placating people because they want to be perceived as being nice.
Robert Wicks (picture) writes: “Passive-aggressive persons are extremely hard to deal with, because of their effort to maintain a rather serene picture of themselves as well-controlled, proper, non-violent human beings. But they are seldom the peaceful and loving personalities they pretend to be, and often remain remote and inaccessible to human relationships. Should such relationships begin to develop, passive-aggressive people will often find ways to sabotage them…without anybody knowing exactly how it happened, or why.” That means that a passive-aggressive person, given enough time, will usually find a way to screw up relationships with the very ones they’re most afraid of offending.
Our best defense against this sin is found in Ephesians 4:15, “Speaking the truth in love.” Truth without love is brutality but love without truth is sentimentality. In a loving, non-threatening environment, hard truths are more readily received. Rather than be spiritually immature or easily deceived, we’re to speak the truth to each other with love, so that we all grow spiritually. We’re to encourage each other in truth—the foundational gospel truths, truths about who God is and what He has called us to be and do, even the hard truths of correction – our motivation to do so is love.
The “love” here is agape love. It’s self-sacrificial working for the benefit of the loved one. We speak truth to build up. A few verses later it says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Our words should be beneficial to our hearers.
Conclusion
Be honest…have you been spitting in the soup? Or maybe like another famous person, you’re drawing your passive aggression.
Who is Lucy Van Pelt? If you’re familiar with Peanuts, then you know that Lucy Van Pelt is Lucy (picture). According to a recent book, Schulz And Peanuts by David Michaelis (picture), Lucy was modeled after Charles Schulz’s wife, Joyce. Schulz was a quiet, non-assuming man. Basically, he was shy and non-confrontational, but not Joyce. She was known for her drive, sharp temper, strong opinions…and for yelling.
Schulz rather than confronting it, drew about their relationship in his cartoons. So where do we most commonly “spit in the soup”?
- We spit in the soup in our marriages. Many Christian couples rather than biblically problem solving, will succumb to being passive aggressive. So, what do you do if that’s your marriage?
- Determine to be active, not reactive. Choose how you will respond. In the face of passive-aggressive actions, choose to be clear. Let your spouse know how you see things and refuse to get into a power struggle.
- Then, keep agreements simple and doable. Create agreements likely to be kept. Choose your battles carefully. It’s better to have a simple agreements, than try to enforce complex ones that will ultimately be sabotaged.
- We spit in the soup in our church relationships. We sin in our church relationships when we talk to others about the person who’s offended us and fail to go directly to them. Matthew 18 commands us to go to them first. So go with a respectful and gracious private conversation. Be a spiritual adult.
The motive for speaking the truth in love is that we’re members of the same body. Paul continually used the analogy of the body of Christ. The health of your physical body depends on truthful communication between the members of your body. For example, if you put your hand on a hot stove and your nerves don’t relay to the brain, “this is hot,” you’ll get burned.
The Bible teaches if you’re dishonest with another member of the body of Christ, you’re injuring yourself and worse, you’re injuring Jesus Christ, because He’s one with His body. If you don’t want to injure the Savior who loved you and gave Himself for you, you must develop the habit of setting aside falsehood and speaking the truth – we’re members with each other.
Add to that, it’s vital to focus on the positive aspects of your church community. We do that with our biological families. We don’t trash talk our children to those outside our family. We talk about their accomplishments, brag about our grandkids. We need to do that with our brothers and sisters in Christ. We must focus on the good, not the stuff that annoys us.
- We spit in the soup in our relationship with God. When we’re mad at God, upset about something that’s happening at home or church, or disappointed with our life, we’re tempted to display our disapproval in tangible ways.
While it seems wrong to shake a fist at God, we often do so in more subtle ways. We’d never think about denouncing our faith, but we aren’t beyond sending God a message with our attitude, body language, and our commitment level. And just as God sees our sins and/or good works, He also sees our passive aggressiveness when we’re disturbed spiritually.
Spiritual passive aggressiveness will look different in each of us, but it will have the same result – distance from God. For example, we may be acting out spiritual passive aggressiveness when we “forget” to have our devotions or prayer time because we just couldn’t get out of bed or stay awake for a few extra five minutes at night.
We may be acting out spiritual passive aggressiveness when we “meant” to go to church but had too many projects, yardwork or just wanted to sleep in.
We may be acting out spiritual passive aggressiveness when we “think” God is okay if we take a break from ministry or serving because we rationalize that we need a break, or we’ve done our turn.
We may be acting out spiritual passive aggressiveness when we “regret” not testifying about God’s forgiveness and love when it was fresh on our heart and now feel we’ve lost our passion about it.
We may be acting out spiritual passive aggressiveness when we “feel” like our needs just aren’t being met by a pastor/church and need to take a break from it all.
The bottom line is that to live out a passive aggressive spirituality is to deceive ourselves about our love for God and faithfulness and obedience. It’s to rebel against God in the nicest way possible. We don’t show up or are fully open to what He’s doing for our benefit because we’re carrying a grudge over what we think He’s done or allowed someone else to do to us.
We must grow beyond that immature struggle in our hearts if we’re ever to grow up in the character of Christ Jesus. Holiness in our daily walk is born out of a humble spirituality that engages God in studying His Word, prayer, commitment, service and obedience in all aspects of our faith.
Maybe you’ve become passive aggressive with God and are just now becoming aware of it. Stop it! Turn from that behavior and give yourself fully to God. Your passive aggressive style with Him is only putting distance between you and an intimate relationship with Him. You don’t think that you’ll win this game, do you? You can’t fight God and win. He loves you too much to let you do that. So, stop spitting in the soup.
Or to quote the first lines of African American poet, James Weldon Johnson’s (picture) powerful poem, The Prodigal Son.
Young man—
Young man—
Your arm’s too short to box with God.
That goes for old believers and unbelievers too…