Scripture: Matthew 16:13-26
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 02
The stereotype of a Type A boss always controlling, demanding and impossible to please doesn’t always ring true. But in the movie, The Devil Wears Prada, Miranda Priestly (picture) personifies these rabid qualities. Her favorite words were “do it correctly.” Meryl Streep’s Miranda Priestly became a cultural icon. Superior and sarcastic. Forceful and fearless. With one raised eyebrow and a pursed lip, she could send an entire corporate team into a frenzy. She’s the epitome of a Control Freak.
The term Control Freak describes a person obsessed with getting things done a certain way, their way. They become distressed when someone deviates from the way they want to do things and attempt to make others do things the way that they want, even if others prefer to do it another way.
Are you a control freak? Raise your hand if you know a control freak. Raise your hand if the person next to you forced you to keep your hand down.
For those keeping score, here are some symptoms of a Control Freak. See if you check a few boxes? Control Freaks have a tendency to correct people. They refuse to admit that they’re wrong. They’re judgmental and critical about other people and think they always know what’s best for any situation. They need to win all the arguments. In short, Control Freaks think they’re responsible for everything, including and especially other people.
A control freak can be a child, parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, friend, a pastor or church leader or anyone close to us. The ones who affect us the most are rarely strangers. In all honesty, most of us have some tendencies to control our environment and those close to us in some way.
We’re in our second message, Dealing with Toxic People. Today we want to work through what it means to be a Control Freak, who they are and how we’re to deal with them in a Christlike way. Before we ever point at others, we need to examine our own hearts. Jesus warned, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). If you’re taking notes…
1.There are two primary motivations for control freaks. Having a desire to control things isn’t all bad. In fact, keeping things in order is beneficial; otherwise, you can have chaos. Being uncontrolled can result in poor decisions. Take away structure and discipline and we can find ourselves in precarious situations. So, being orderly and self-controlled are safeguards and ultimately reduce stress. A control freak though takes being orderly to the extreme. They’re often driven by two serious sins.
Pride. The temptation of pride was first encountered in the Garden. Satan whispered to Eve, “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). Pride is the deification of self. Pride can put the control freak on the throne seeking to replace God, foolishly believing life is under our ultimate control.
Pride says that if I don’t control it, it won’t work. It convinces me that the only way to get it done right is if I do it. Or, if I delegate, I must micromanage it to make sure it’s done the right way, my way. Pride focuses on me, but the Bible warns, “God opposes the proud” (James 4:6).
Fear. Fear drives us to be anxious that things won’t turn out right or to imagine danger for people around us often when it’s not there. Control issues stem from a deep-seated fear that others will make poor decisions if left to their own devices. In anxiety it controls others, even with good intentions. Rather than prepare for the storm, control freaks try to keep the storm from coming — even when they can’t.
Adam and Eve were the first ones ever driven by fear. After they disobeyed God, they believed they had it all under control as they hid and covered themselves up. It didn’t work. “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden” (Genesis 3:7-8). Do we really believe we can hide from God?
Control freaks are obsessed with controlling things because they fear failure or being vulnerable. They’re anxious about what “might happen” and try to prevent every possible tragedy. If their teen isn’t home ten minutes after curfew, they’re calling the hospital to see if he was in an accident.
People pleasers, someone who fears being rejected can be control freaks. They fear disappointing others, looking bad, or not fitting in. Fear drives them to controlling behavior. “What will people think of me if they walk into my home and see a dirty plate on the counter or a child’s toys lying about on the floor? They’ll think I’m lazy and not fit to be a parent.” Controllers fear failure, so they try to control every outcome but it’s impossible.
Having children is often a healthy breaking point for a controller. You can’t control a two-year-old. You can’t keep your house spotless with a couple of young kids. In a healthy way, then a controller realizes life will be just fine without perfection. The kids are going to be ok if they mess up once in a while. Hopefully, the controller becomes more realistic and lightens up.
But fear is not from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” God’s Word continually challenges us to not succumb to fear. It contaminates our relationship with God and others. The good news is that we can escape fear. God’s Word tells us to cry out to God and trust Him in our times of anxiety.
2. Control Freaks contaminate their relationships. God used it in our lives, but Jane and I attended a Bible college that was very strict. My best description for someone without a frame of reference is “Amish with electricity.” For example, the lights had to be out at 10:30 pm. We couldn’t have a TV. Music, back then records and cassettes, had to be approved to see if they met the college’s standards (no Rock & Roll). We had a “dating parlor. No, I’m not making that up. And if you talked to someone of the opposite sex during “non-dating hours,” it was considered dating. You could get demerits for it. Get enough and you’d be campused. When I graduated, I hung out a friend’s car window, singing at the top of my lungs, “Free from the law.” My alma mater didn’t know it, but they were control freaks.
It’s stifling to live with a control freak. Many times, we work for or with a control freak. Yet, with a job, if it’s bad enough, you can opt to find another one. That’s not so easy with our other relationships. Let’s look at some relationships where a control freak stifles a healthy one.
Marriage. Gary Thomas, in his book, When to Walk Away (picture) tells of a couple who came for counseling. The husband was driving his wife nuts. “Every part of her life was being controlled.” She shared: “We have to eat at Mexican restaurants six days a week. He won’t let me cook at home, and I’m so sick of Mexican food I can hardly stand it. We have to go to church on Sunday night, never on Sunday morning…the only social contacts are the waiters at his favorite Mexican restaurant.” When it came to sexual intimacy, it had to be a certain night and time…and the list went on and on.
In a healthy marriage we’re to complement each other, never control each other. God brings two very different individuals together with different backgrounds, to help us grow spiritually and socially. 1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love does not demand its own way.” Does your spouse feel stifled? Love is sacrificial, not self-serving.
Parenting. Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Please note that this is a proverb. That means it’s generally true but it’s not a promise. It’s not a guarantee. Raising a child within the context of this verse begins with the Bible, as “all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training…” (2 Timothy 3:16). Teaching children the truth of Scripture helps make them wise for salvation, life and ultimately eternal life.
Parenting has different stages. When our children are young, there’s a need for control. We need to give them two vital things: roots and wings. That means that we’re to be modeling, guiding and leading. As parents, the purpose of disciplining a child is so that they will learn to be self-disciplined.
Notice Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Everyone is uniquely designed. The reason that John is not like Jim is because John is not Jim. How many of you are lefthanded, raise your hand? How many of you had a teacher who tried to make you learn to write with your right hand? That was a lack of respect for your design.
Children are like a young sapling. You don’t force an oak tree into being a pine tree. Yes, there are certain basic life skills every child needs to know because they’ll need them in adulthood. But if your child hates sports, don’t try to make him a jock. Just as the Lord knows who you are and guides and directs you into the way that He’s designed for you, do that with your child.
Psalm 139:13-14 says, “For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.” God is not in the mass production business. He designs us individually.
When I was in high school, I loved basketball because some of my older friends loved basketball. So, I did something dumb. I went out for the basketball team. A friend stopped by while we were practicing and said, “Scott, look around. These guys have several inches on you. You’re not a basketball player.” He talked me into going out for wrestling, which is a better sport for the horizontally challenged. Know your child and cultivate them according to the way God designed them. Controlling them breeds rebellion and resentment.
Just a word about adult children. Unless you’re paying for their housing or college, your role changes from parent to friend and counselor. Now if they’re living in your home, they need to abide by the house rules, just as they would if they were a tenant, but it’s not a matter of control.
I have a niece who attended the Savannah College of Art and Design. She graduated and became a fashion designer in New York City but went through a horrible experience. She had beautiful long blond hair, but after going through that, she buzzed it off into a crew cut. Her dad and brothers criticized her for it and shamed her. But there was no right or wrong in her choices. There was no moral ought. The shaming was a form of control.
Please don’t force a child into a certain career or even the family business. Let them make their own way and be who God designed them to be.
In-laws. One of the first fights most newly married couples have is: “Where are we going to spend Christmas?” As parents, when our children are adults, we need to have the Motel 6 philosophy: “We’ll leave the light on for you” (picture). We want our children to want to come home, not because they’re pressured to. Be very cautious about marital or parenting advice. Sadly, some parents are busybodies seeking to control their child’s marriage or parenting. Pray and let God do the controlling. I love this quote by Charles Spurgeon (picture), “Love stands in the presence of a fault, with a finger on her lip.”
Friendships. Did you hear about the latest British-American diplomacy breakdown? Last week Dr Michelle Francl (picture) who studies interstellar chemistry and conducts research on tea in her spare time made a controversial suggestion in her new book that “a tiny pinch of salt could remove the bitterness from a cup of tea.” The US embassy in London immediately issued a statement saying that it wasn’t official US policy. There’s no right way to drink tea. It’s a taste or cultural choice.
Not every friendship is a healthy one. Sometimes a friend can be a bully masquerading as a friend, especially if they try to control you. The best friendships are healthy and rewarding. In these friendships, you not only bring out the best in each other, you also enjoy spending time together and appreciate your differences. If someone places unreasonable demands on you or expects you to put everything aside when they need you, that’s controlling behavior. If they isolate you or demand you spend all of your free time with them, it’s unhealthy. Controlling people will even try to control what you wear, where you shop, who you spend time with, etc.
For Christ-followers, healthy friendships should encourage us to want to be closer to the Lord and walk with Him more. I’ve found that there are some pastors I don’t want to be around. They’re chronically negative or critical. I look for friends who help me love Jesus more. It’s one reason I dodge pastors caught up in politics. I’m sure they’re out there but personally, I’ve yet to find a pastor absorbed with politics who is joyful and has heavenly optimism.
While it may be hard at first to break ties with a controlling friend but with some healthy boundaries and assertiveness, you can move on and find friends who will help you grow and who respect who you are.
Though God is powerful and sovereign, He is never controlling. His loving calls in Scripture are based on choice. One of the most famous passages is Joshua’s declaration to the nation of Israel, “Choose today whom you will serve…as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15).
3. Control Freaks are frustrated by life. So, what are your plans today? Later this week? We all have plans, but planning and doing are not the same.
Tomorrow Jane is scheduled to fly to McAllen, Texas to spend time with her mom. In 2011, that same trip was scheduled. It was the year that a blizzard hit the area and was so bad that they even shut down Lake Shore Drive (picture). Jane finally went two days later than she was scheduled.
James 4:13-16 is anti-control freak. “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.”
Control Freaks make plans without ever consulting God. Behaving in this way—giving God’s will a backseat. shows we view ourselves far too highly!
James cites the example of Jewish merchants who acted as if they were omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent in that they planned the where, when and what of their lives without consulting God. Their pride-filled behavior reminds me of the words of Willian Ernest Henley’s (picture) classic poem: “I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”
Control Freaks deceive themselves into thinking that they’re the final authority and proceed to make plans without consulting God. Please note that there is nothing in Scripture that prohibits making plans. Quite the contrary. There is a great deal in the Bible that commends planning. “Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will be established” (Proverbs 16:3).
What God disapproves of is going into any venture without acknowledging His right to blue-pencil our plans. “Many are the plans in the heart of a man—but the counsel of the Lord is what will stand” (Proverbs 19:21). Control Freaks think they’re in the driver’s seat of life. They’re not.
4. Control Freaks ignore that death is imminent. Turn to Luke 12:16-20 (p. 818). “And [Jesus] told them a parable, saying, ‘The land of a rich man produced plentifully, and he thought to himself, “What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?” And he said, “I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, ‘Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.’ But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?’” Because we know how this ends, we see this guy as some evil, money grubber everyone despises. That’s not who he is. This guy is an entrepreneur. He’s the epitome of American success. He’s savvy and shrewd. He’d be on the front cover of Forbes. He’s a Jeff Bezos (picture) from Amazon or Elon Musk (picture) from X. He’s hit it big. It’s a bumper crop, a record year. He has a problem most of us would love to have, too much wealth. There’s nothing to indicate he’s dishonest or unethical.
Though he’s savvy and shrewd, God calls him a fool. His biggest problem is not his prosperity, it’s his lack of planning. He never planned to die. He thinks he has it all under control. When it comes to life and death, he’s a Control Freak…and he’s dead wrong.
In a space of 50 words, 18 of them are first person. He’s self-absorbed. It’s the old adage, “There is too much ego in his cosmos.” He’s even anxious about himself? “What shall I do?” He’s wringing his hands about his dilemma. Business wise, his plan is shrewd. He’s had a bumper crop. Others probably had one too. If he takes his crops to the market, prices will drop. By hoarding, he’ll make more when there’s not a surplus year. It was a way to drive prices up. It’s a great business decision.
He’s typical of Americans, proud and self-sufficient. If you asked him, “How did you get all this wealth?” he’d have answered, “I got it all by hard work, using my head, and a little luck with the weather.” But he’s his own god. He asks himself, “What shall I do?” and proudly declares, “This is what I will do.” He never asks, “Lord, what would You have me to do?”
Do you remember Jim Croce (picture), the talented singer and songwriter? He recorded a beautiful love song entitled, Time in a Bottle about his desire to save time in a bottle in order to spend it later with someone he loved. The eerie thing about that song is that by the time it was released, Jim Croce was dead. He’d been killed in a tragic plane crash.
This rich man is living the American dream. His problem is that he’s presumptuous, assuming that he’ll live indefinitely. He thinks he has it all under control. His wealth was his security for the future. But that night God sends an angel into the cemetery who writes four letters on his tombstone: FOOL. The Bible teaches that our only secure future is in the Cross and the gospel. Only a fool thinks that they can control the “when” of their death.
5. Jesus’ answer to a control freak. Let’s return to the passage we opened with this morning in Luke 16. “From that time Jesus began to show His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, ‘Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.’ But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a hindrance to Me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” (Matthew 16:21-26).
This episode is the most significant turning point in the life of Christ between the baptism and the cross. Jesus is about halfway through His three-year ministry. The disciples are pleased that the One they follow has such a high public approval rating. But then Jesus shares something with them for the first time. He tells them that He has come to die and in effect, He calls on His disciples to imitate Him in willingly offering themselves to serve the Father, even if that decision places their very lives at risk.
When Peter heard Jesus’ announcement, He didn’t like it and took Jesus aside. Maybe Peter was looking out for his own reputation but he said to Jesus, “Far be it from You, Lord; this shall not happen to You!” In effect, Peter was saying, “Lord, let me give you a few lessons on public relations.”
Of course, what Jesus thinks of this emerges in His response: “Get behind Me, Satan!” It was always the Father’s plan for Jesus to go to the cross for our sin. It’s why He came into the world. By opposing that plan, Peter became a stumbling block to the will of God and Jesus will have no part of Peter’s agenda. In effect, He tells Peter, “There’s the door. All you have to do is leave if you don’t like what I’m doing.” Even though it’s Jesus, Peter is trying to be a Control Freak. Let me draw out some lessons for us.
We must know our mission. We must know what God has called us to do.Jesus knew that His mission was to seek and save the lost. He came to die on the cross for all of our sins. He knew His mission.
We’ve often made our mission or what God has called us to do some big, grandiose thing with fireworks. It’s so much simpler. What’s your mission? Well, where are you now? Where has God placed you. Usually, to find what God has called us to do, we start with looking at those closest to us. If you’re a parent, God has called you to be a Christ-honoring parent. If you’re married, God has called you to be a Christ-honoring spouse. If you’re a student, God has called you to be a Christ-honoring student. Where do you work, where do you live? God has called you to serve Him there. That’s your mission. You’re not called to a work; you’re called to be a witness.
The problem is that we’re so easily distracted from our mission. We hear an appeal or need and want to jump in. Just because there’s a need, it doesn’t mean that there’s a call. Others, often control freaks, will try to tell us what our mission is. But it’s their mission for us, not our mission.
Why is this important? Because what does every controlling person have in common? Someone who allows it. Control freaks are a problem because they’re controlling. When we let them control us, we have a problem…we let them. When we do, we neglect our mission.
We must know when someone is trying to control us. We don’t need to be paranoid or put everyone under some psychological microscope. If you’re paying attention, you’ll usually spot them.
Peter wasn’t a bad guy or evil. He just had a different agenda. In fact, he’d just won Jesus Jeopardy. A few verses earlier it tells us that when Jesus asked who people said He was, Peter knew Jesus was “the Christ, the Son of the living God” (Matthew 16:16). He wasn’t an evil man, just as those trying to control you probably aren’t evil. They, like Peter though, have a different plan and distract you from your mission.
We must know when it’s time to draw our line in the sand. This is tough. It’s not only the right thing to do, it’s the loving thing to do. It’s exactly what Jesus does to Peter. Jesus wasn’t dependent or concerned with what Peter thought of Him. He was focused on His mission…and we must be too. Too many of us let those we want approval from to derail us from the higher purpose of what God has called us to do.
I was guilty of that. Early in my ministry, we had a couple that was continually in crisis. We might be having a family day, or I might have a date with Jane. But they’d call with their crisis, and I’d drop everything, neglecting my mission to go rescue them. I let them control me. And you know what the worst thing is – I don’t think I ever did them any good. They were just a big mess and stayed a big mess, even after all my “rescuing.”
Be warned when you draw a line in the sand, controllers will double down and try to manipulate you to give in. They may pitch a fit like a two-year-old at the grocery store who wants candy. Don’t give in.
We must deny ourselves and let Jesus be in the driver’s seat. Jesus gives us the solution for breaking free from control freaks and staying on mission. “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Mathew 16:24-25).
When I deny myself and put the Lord Jesus in control, when someone tries to control me and take me off mission – who are they really trying to control? Jesus, because I’m not in charge anymore.
This doesn’t mean that you suddenly decide you’re no longer concerned about your own welfare. That’s not the point of denying yourself.
To deny oneself is the wisest choice a person can make in his or her own interest. If you find that paradoxical, it’s supposed to be. The sanest thing that a person can do is to say to the Lord Jesus, “I hereby renounce any right to control my own life and to determine my own destiny. I am yours to command.” Denial of self means a denial of the authority of self.
The cross is an instrument of death. When Jesus was condemned to die, they gave Him His own cross to carry to Golgotha. The person who is carrying a cross regards himself as on the way to his own death. In other words, “I have no future of my own other than what the Lord Jesus decrees for me. I will be content with that. If it’s a long life, fine; if a short one, fine; if a wealthy one, okay; if a poor one, okay. Wherever He takes me, I’ll go.”
“Follow Me” is an open-ended commitment to do whatever pleases the Lord Jesus, even if you don’t know in advance what that will be. The person who follows Christ doesn’t know where Christ is leading. The follower of Jesus doesn’t know what the rest of his discipling experience will entail. He only knows that wherever Jesus directs, that’s where he’ll go.
Conclusion: Let me end with some practical steps and then circle back to the biggest danger when someone is a Control Freak.
So, how do you deal with a controlling person in a Christlike way? Dealing with them can be difficult, can’t it?
Pray for Wisdom. The first step is to seek God’s guidance. James 1:5 tells us that if we lack wisdom, we should ask God, who will give it generously.
Set Boundaries. Proverbs 4:23 advises us to guard our hearts. Setting healthy boundaries helps protect you emotionally and spiritually.
Speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak the truth in love. You will probably need to have a gentle but honest conversation with the controlling person about how you feel.
Practice humility with assertiveness. Philippians 2:3 says to consider others above yourself, but this doesn’t mean that you’re to be a doormat.
If necessary, create distance. Sometimes you must distance yourself from the person causing you harm. Paul advises in Romans 16:17 to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles.
Pray for them. The Bible continually encourages us to pray for those who mistreat us. It’s not just good for them; it’s healing for us.
Let me end with this…what if you are a control freak? The burden on my heart is not so much your behavior or that you affect others. My biggest concern is that many control freaks think they have even death under control.
I continually am called onto tragic scenes of people who didn’t plan to die. Recently, when I was at the Experience Burlington Annual Dinner, I was talking to a friend who shared with me that our banker, Nick Borth, who helped us secure the loan for this building had recently died. You may have seen it on the news. Nick and his dad were at home asleep during that big snowstorm. Somehow the air intake on their home got clogged by the snow and Nick, 34, and his 61-year-old father died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
None of us can control death. The question is: Are you ready? Have you committed your life to Christ? Have you confessed that you’re a sinner and trusted that Christ died for your sin? Have you accepted the gospel and trusted Him as your Lord and Savior?
The worst mistake that a Control Freak can make is thinking that they can control death. No one can. God calls that person a fool. Please don’t be a fool! Accept Christ as your personal Savior today.