Once blessed with a wonderful mother; twice blessed with my mother-in-law. – Danielle Carson

It’s not talked about enough among Christians, especially from a biblical grid, yet mothers-in-law are mentioned 16 times in the Bible. These mentions illustrate relationships that involve care, duty, and family tension.  

When Jane and I first got married, I didn’t really appreciate my mother-in-law, (Mary Quick), the way I do today. To be honest, she was a bit concerned about what Jane was getting into when Jane and I began dating. 

Jane and I first started dating when we were both in the Chicago area. Jane was teaching in Schaumburg, and I was in a motel in Cicero working for a roofing company. It was a huge project that kept me in Chicago for some time. When it rained though, we couldn’t work. Jane’s brother-in-law, Fred Froman, one of my best friends, suggested that since I was in Chicago, I should look up Jane (we knew each other in college) and that’s how it all began. 

Ultimately, I finished my last semester of college and after graduating ended up in Detroit, with my “adopted” parents, Dave and Mary Cummins. Most of our dating was long distance via letters. This was before cell phones and when long-distance phone calls were exorbitant. 

Though I’d trained for the ministry, there were still college bills to pay, so I found a job working for a Detroit roofing company and was hired as a salesman. It was a rough group. Before starting the company, the owner was in prison. The work environment tended to be raw with lots of digs and sarcasm, much like many work environments. Just a sidebar: God has done a great work in my heart and specifically my tongue. As a young man, sarcasm was sadly my second language. 

Jane’s parents lived in East Lansing, so when she was home, I’d visit her at the end of the work week. That’s when some friction began. Sarcasm and digs were not part of the Quick home. It concerned Jane’s mom about what her daughter might be getting into with a strong and sarcastic personality (me). Because she loved Jane, she cautioned her about this fiery young man who was interested in her. Having been raised by a single dad who was also a prescription drug addict, I lacked some cultural niceties you’re supposed to have. I’ve often commented that I was “raised by wolves.” It further complicated matters that I was the opposite of their son-in-law, Fred Froman, who’s always been the epitome of graciousness. But God loves us enough to chip away our sinful, rough edges and He did that with me. Today, Jane’s mom is like another mother to me.

Over the years there are many things that I’ve appreciated about her. Every morning Mom Quick starts her day by reading her Bible. Then, when Jane and I were dating and I was at her home, I got a migraine. After my mom died, I learned to be self-sufficient if I was sick. Yet, Jane’s mom hovered over me until it passed later in the day, and I’ve never forgotten it. 

Jane’s mom was a secretary to an assistant school superintendent. She always spoke very highly of her boss and others that she worked with. She’s never been one to complain or gossip – traits I love! She has a great laugh and enjoys the simple things in life. Yet, what I’ll always be forever indebted to her for was when Ben had seizures and was hospitalized at Children’s. As soon as she knew Jane needed her, she was on a plane! 

We’ve had a few disagreements over the years (mostly my fault), yet God has used her love for the Lord to be a godly influence on me. 

Marriage binds us together in a new family, whether we like it or not. Maybe you’re delighted with the mother-in-law God gave you. You easily connect and have formed a friendship. Or maybe your relationship with your in-law is a difficult one. There’s been a pattern of hurt and offense that seems impossible to repair. Your mother-in-law may be far from the ideal person you’d imagined, yet she’s the mother of the one you love and chose above all others. That means she’s God’s hand-picked choice to be your mother-in-law. The ties that bind you are some of the strongest earthly relationships you’ll have — marriage, children, grandchildren. 

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my Christian walk when I’m struggling with someone is to ask the Lord to use those struggles to grow me spiritually, melting some of the dross in my life (1 Peter 1:6-7). 

Showing honor to the woman who raised your spouse, nourished them with meals, drove them to countless practices and cares deeply about them, is a great way to love your spouse. If your spouse constantly hears you complaining about something with your mother-in-law, tension can build in your marriage and the relationship with those parents. 

So, how can you show honor to your mother-in-law, even in the midst of a difficult relationship?  

Honor her through prayer. 

If there’s relational stress, your first step is to ask God to soften your heart toward your mother-in-law, to search your heart for resentment you need to confess. It’s easy to point fingers at another person for our relational difficulties. It’s harder to admit our own sinful part. Ask the Lord to help you see the good in your mother-in-law; to notice the ways she’s blessed your family. Then, pray for God’s blessing on her life, that she will grow in her relationship with the Lord. You might be surprised at how your heart warms toward her as you pray for her.

Honor her with your words. 

Our words can build up or they can tear down. Have you noticed what words or tones you normally use when talking to or about your mother-in-law? Our culture focuses on the negative stereotypes of mothers-in-law. If instead of voicing a complaint about your mother-in-law, what if you voiced the things that you appreciate about her? Speak well of her in front of your friends and family. Give her a shout out on social media for ways she’s blessed you. It will be a means of grace to both your mother-in-law and your spouse. 

Honor her with your time. 

Our calendars indicate what’s important to us. We all feel the pressure of limited hours, but do we make an effort to spend time with our in-laws? Plan a family meal together periodically. Invite your in-laws to your kids’ games and school events? Many of us don’t live geographically close to our in-laws, but we have a huge gift in technology that can connect us despite the miles. Creating space to honor this relationship in your life can yield surprising results.

Praise God for the gift of your mother-in-law. 

An all-wise God brought you and your spouse together. Through that gift He also gave you the gift of your mother-in-law. As Christ-followers, let’s break cultural norms of dissing in-laws and instead reflect His love to a lost world by choosing to honor them. The gospel is displayed as we seek to love, serve, and honor the other mother in our lives…and you might gain a new friend too! I did!