Scripture: Judges 16:4-22
Sermon Series: Dealing with Toxic People – Sermon 03
Theologian and author, Henri Nouwen (picture) said, “It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people.”
How many of you enjoy car shopping? Jane and I were car shopping some years ago. When we car shop – we really car shop. We don’t make quick decisions. So, we’re at a dealership in the Detroit suburbs, we’d done a test drive and had been honest with the salesman that we weren’t ready to make a decision that night. Of course, he had to go and talk to his sales manager. So, he’s at the sales manager’s desk across the showroom and the sales manager yells out to me. “Mr. Carson, what will it take for us to make this deal tonight?” Quietly I responded, “I won’t have this conversation with you across this showroom.” Then, Jane and I quickly left…never to return. It was irritating because he was trying to pressure and manipulate me. I wish I could say that I’ve dodged all attempts at being manipulated over the years.
Manipulating is like fishing and the victim is the fish. We see the bait, but don’t see the hook. Most of us fail to see the manipulation until we’re hooked and landed, and even then, sometimes we don’t see it. Oftentimes we just sense something is off, but we can’t put our finger on it. If we’re honest, there’s a bit of a manipulator in all of us, because we’re all sinners and want our own way.
Manipulation is a form of deceit. Even though we’re in church, professing believers can be master manipulators. They know how to work people and hit the right buttons to fulfill their own agenda. Some of us are really good at being bad! We may even be proud of it. But deep inside we know it’s wrong and that God has a better way.
We’re continuing our series, Dealing with Toxic People. Today we want to work through what it means to be a Manipulator and how to deal with them in a Christ-honoring way. Yet, before we ever point at others, we need to examine our own hearts. As The Message’s rendering of 1 Corinthians 11:28 urges us: “Examine your motives, test your heart…” If you’re taking notes…
1. What is manipulation? Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others. Those who manipulate attack our mental and emotional sides to get what they want. They try to create an imbalance of power, taking advantage of others to get their own way.
The Bible calls manipulation “selfish ambition.” Selfish ambition is one of the works of our sin nature as recorded in Galatians 5:20. The Greek word means “to persuade another to follow their wishes, without moral convictions.” A manipulator has a weak conscience. They try to get you to do what they want, selfishly trying to control you for their own agenda.
Manipulation can happen in any relationship. It’s most common in our close relationships. It’s an attempt to steer someone’s feelings and actions for our agenda. It tries to take away someone’s free will and replace it with our desires, doing it in a way that disregards the values and dignity of that individual. Manipulation is contempt for God’s Word and His creation.
The Bible has a lot to say about manipulation. Most often it does it through biblical examples, but we also find many warnings against it in biblical principles and commands. Scripture warns us against manipulating others or allowing ourselves to be manipulated.
The bottom line is that manipulation is a form of lying. When someone speaks or acts falsely, it can be to manipulate others. All the Bible’s prohibitions against lying can be applied to manipulation. It violates, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16) in the Ten Commandments.
Lying is a devilish sin. The Bibles says that Satan is the “father of lies” (John 8:44). He’s the original Manipulator. He manipulated Eve, using half-truths, appealing to her desire for wisdom to deceive her into disobeying God. He’s still manipulating people today. He “masquerades as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14). He exploits our weaknesses, feeds our pride, and assures us that following a sinful path is in our best interests. He’s the master deceiver and never lacks ploys to bring us under his control.
With an election year both parties will try to manipulate voters. Fear is one of the more common weapons. It’s potent and we’re easily exploited. By highlighting potential threats or by creating a sense of impending doom, they tap into our primal instincts, manipulating people to vote their way.
Remember the “Red Scare” during the Cold War? Senator Joe McCarthy (picture) capitalized on the American fear of communism, accusing different individuals of being Soviet spies, but without any evidence. Lives were ruined and careers destroyed by this fear-driven manipulation. Sadly, we still see lives and careers ruined as someone’s character is assassinated or reputation ruined to manipulate others for political gain.
There’s a difference between influencing and manipulating. What’s the difference? Motive. There’s nothing wrong with influencing someone. Parents influence a child to obey, get an education, work hard, learn basic life skills. They should want to influence them to become Christ-followers.
Think of someone who’s had a profoundly positive influence in your life. Was it a teacher? A coach? A pastor? A parent or grandparent? Were they a person of integrity? A good listener? They’re usually grounded in generosity and transparency, not self-indulgence or hidden agendas.
If those descriptions are familiar, you already understand influence. Real relationships, effective leadership, are about influence. Not authority, not title, not power, and certainly not manipulation. Influence. It’s moving from an “I-focus” or “Me-focus” to “Other-focus.” Influence seeks to help and cultivate growth and value in others.
It’s like the law of gravity. Gravity is neutral. It manifests itself as good when it keeps us from floating aimlessly up into space. It manifests itself as bad when we fall off a seven-story building. In this same way, influence is negative when one manipulates others simply for one’s own selfish purposes. Influence is positive when one persuades others in order that both/all parties obtain the results that they want. The major difference is motive.
As believers, we’re commanded to influence each other to godliness and to seek to influence the lost to surrender to Christ. The Apostle Paul’s passion was to influence the lost come to Christ. “I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome” (Romans 1:14-15).
Why does a Christ-follower succumb to being a manipulator? Selfishness plays a big part in it. Yet, I think the bigger issue is that we don’t trust God and feel that God needs our help. He doesn’t.
In Genesis 27, Rebekah, the wife of Isaac and mother of Esau and Jacob believed she needed to help God out. Isaac plans to bless Esau, but Esau, though the older son, is a wicked man. So, Rebekah comes up with a plan to deceive her husband. She covers her younger son, Jacob, with animal skins so that when vision-impaired Isaac touches Jacob, he thinks he’s touching Esau, who is hairy. Ultimately, Isaac gives his blessing to Jacob rather than to first-born Esau. Through her manipulation, Isaac is deceived, and Rebekah achieves her goal of controlling the family’s destiny. But it carries a high price. Esau plots to murder Jacob and Rebekah must get her favorite son out of Dodge, but Rebekah will never see Jacob again.
Jacob was always God’s plan to be the Patriarch of His people, He doesn’t need Rebekah’s help…and He doesn’t need ours. Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.”
Please don’t be a Rebekah. When you’re tempted to manipulate your spouse or child…or anyone…even for a “good” cause, surrender, pray and give it to the Lord. Over the years it’s been so fulfilling to see God answer my prayers, often when I was tempted to jump in and help Him out.
2. How are we manipulated? There are so many kinds of manipulation that we could spend several weeks studying them. Here are a few. There are emotional manipulators who use your emotions against you or use their emotions to pressure you to do their will. There are financial manipulators who use money or gifts to manipulate you into doing what they want. There are those who use physical threats, explosive anger, and intimidation to get you to yield to their will. There are spouses and others who use sex as a weapon to get you to yield to their demands. There are spiritual manipulators who use their authority or knowledge of Scripture to twist the truth of God’s Word, pressuring you into doing what they want.
We must be able to discern when manipulation is occurring. Probably, the most famous tale of manipulation in the Bible is in Judges 16. Delilah manipulates Samson, the strongest man in the world, who’s a weakling when it came to her tactics. Samson is in love with Delilah, but she’s bribed by the Philistines, the enemies of Israel, to find the source of Samson’s strength. She wasn’t a Jew, yet Samson still slept with her. She may have been a prostitute. Samson was known for his immorality.
God had used Samson’s strength to wreak havoc on the Philistines, so they want to humiliate and destroy him. They offer Delilah a huge sum to discover his secret. Samson playfully lies to her about the secret of his strength, but she manipulates him and essentially nags him senseless. He finally divulges the source of his strength which is his uncut hair. She cuts his hair, the “source” of his strength according to God’s promises and his Nazarite vow, rendering him helpless and the Philistines capture Samson.
Samson was raised in a Nazarite household. A Nazarite vow meant he couldn’t cut his hair, touch anything dead, like an animal carcass, or drink anything alcoholic. Samuel and John the Baptist were probably also Nazarites. Samson broke all the rules and in doing so places a target on his back. It must have devastated him that not only did he lose his strength, but he’s betrayed by a woman that he thought he loved.
We’re amazed that Samson is so dumb. Repeatedly Delilah tries to discover the source of his strength and announces that the Philistines have come for him. Samson should have seen through her devious ways, but he chose to ignore the red flags. He stays with Delilah, despite his better judgment, and it ends with severe consequences. Let’s not miss the red flags. While this is not exhaustive, here are some types of manipulation.
Flattery. Flattery is a tactic where someone excessively praises or compliments another to gain some advantage. By appealing to a person’s ego, manipulators make the victim more receptive to their suggestions. It can create a sense of obligation, which the manipulator can exploit. It often lacks sincerity. Genuine compliments are positive but insincere flattery is a way to manipulate. “For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve” (Romans 16:18).
Anger. “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man” (Proverbs 22:24). Anger can be used to control or intimidate. When someone blows up, it can coerce compliance by making others fear the consequences. A manipulator uses anger to intimidate others into fulfilling their agenda. It’s a way to assert dominance in a relationship. It’s a tactic to get specific responses through fear.
Blameshifting. Comedian, Flip Wilson (picture) was famous for his line, “the Devil made me do it.” It was funny but blameshifting isn’t. Blameshifting is where someone avoids taking responsibility for their actions by shifting the blame to others. They deflect accountability, often by accusing someone else or external factors for the consequences of their behavior. King Ahab tried to do that by blaming Elijah for the drought that was God’s judgment for Ahab’s sin (1 Kings 18:17).
It confuses or guilt-trips them into feeling responsible for things they didn’t do. Here’s an example: “If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” Another common one is pretending something was just a joke and the victim is too thin-skinned. The “I was only kidding” can cause us to doubt our own perceptions.
Shaming or Guilt-tripping. A manipulator tries to influence other’s actions by causing them to feel ashamed of their choices. They’ll use criticism or judgment to create a sense of moral inferiority. A manipulator tries to make the person comply with their wishes, exploiting their desire to avoid false guilt or negative feelings.
The Silent Treatment. It’s a way to control others by refusing to talk to them or ignoring them. It’s used as a way of punishment and is emotional blackmail. When asked, “What’s wrong?” the response will be, “nothing, I’m fine.” But they’re not. It’s manipulation. There’s no way a problem can be worked through if someone insists on hiding in their emotional cave. Open communication is vital to healthy relationships.
Vilifying the Victim. It’s what the Jewish leaders did to Jesus. The manipulator intentionally portrays the person they’ve wronged as being responsible for their own suffering. They push the blame off onto the victim diverting attention from their own actions. Often there’s a character assassination or spreading false information or highlighting minor mistakes to discredit the victim. It undermines the victim’s credibility.
Talebearing and telling half of the story. When I was a kid, my older sister, Suellen, would hit me and then run. I’d start chasing her and she’d yell, “Dad!” Guess who’d get yelled at by my Dad.
The media will do this by telling half of a story to incite emotions. Sadly, this is probably the one most common in churches. A talebearer withholds vital information, the other half of the story. It’s a tactic where important details are intentionally kept from others to gain allies. It deceives and misleads those who are not privy to the whole story. A half-truth deceives the listener by presenting something believable and using aspects that are true as a reason to believe the whole statement is true when it’s not. Proverbs 18:13 warns, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” We must be careful about jumping to conclusions and need to make certain that we know the whole story before we come to a conclusion.
Denial. 1 John 1:8warns, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” Denial downplays or denies wrongdoing or the seriousness of a situation. By refusing to acknowledge their own action, manipulators seek to avoid responsibility. It creates doubt and confusion in the one on the receiving end. It can make people question their own judgments. Manipulators may insist their actions were harmless or that the victim is overreacting.
There are many more of these tactics. They’re all very destructive so we must be discerning. Like other toxic behaviors, manipulation distracts us from our mission. Sadly, many churches spend countless hours and energy resolving damage caused by a manipulator. Awareness of manipulative tactics is a first step to not being manipulated.
3. Amazingly, we sometimes try to manipulate God. To some, God is their personal genie. They ignore Him most of the time, keeping Him in a bottle in the back of a closet. But when they need something, they pull Him out to ask for help. For some, God is like a parent to be bargained with. “I’ll gas and wash the car if you let me borrow it on Friday!”
It should grieve us when we hear people talk about miracles in the Bible and then they say something like, “If you want your miracle, just…” That sort of reasoning may be enticing, but it violates Scripture. Those who know the Bible know that God can’t be reduced to a formula, as if He were some super-powered vending machine. We can’t manipulate God. Instead, we must submit and trust Him, and that’s so much better.
One of Jesus’ disciples attempted to manipulate Him. Martha was Lazarus and Mary’s sister. In Luke 10, she’s preparing for Jesus to eat in her home. Yet, her sister Mary is busy sitting at Jesus’s feet, listening to Him teach, leaving Martha to finish the preparations all alone. Can you imagine being Martha, trying to get everything ready for the Messiah, only to look over to find her sister had abandoned her station? Would we be frustrated like Martha? “But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to [Jesus] and said, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her’” (Luke 10:40-42).
Martha plays the victim and attempts to guilt-trip Jesus into being her ally. What an incredibly gentle and compassionate response from Jesus. Thank God I’m not Jesus. I probably would have nuked her. Martha is an example of a good person succumbing to being a manipulator.
We find other examples in the Bible of “Lord, if you’ll answer this prayer, I’ll do…” A manipulation used in some churches is that if we want God to bless us, then we must give or serve. While God may bless us for that in that God blesses faithfulness. The Lord’s greatest rewards are in eternity.
Do we want all our rewards here? Jesus said, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19-21).
Instead of trying to twist God’s arm, we need to trust Him and live in the faith of, “Not my will, but Your will be done” (Matthew 26:39).
4. Spiritual wolves use manipulation. In 1987, Televangelist Oral Roberts (picture) told his audience that a 900-foot-tall Jesus told him to tell each member of his flock to send him $242 to help finish his hospital in Tulsa and unless he raised $8 million by that March, God would kill him.
That’s not God or how He works. The Bible warns of those who would manipulate us in spiritual matters. The New Testament has many warnings for Christians to be on the look-out for false teachers. We must not be easily deceived. Jesus warned, “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” (Matthew 7:15).
Here are ways false teachers and even some Christians use manipulation. Watch for these warning signs.
Using the name of God to get others to believe it’s a message from God. Some use God’s name to convince people to believe their message is from God. When a person says, “God told me,” or “I have a word from the Lord,” be alert. God’s messages never conflict with His written Word, the Bible.
My own experience has been that when someone says, “God told me”, it’s usually what they’d do anyway and fits with who they are. But in the Bible when God tells someone something, it’s not what they would normally do. Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh. Moses didn’t want to go back to Egypt.
Quoting the Bible to back one’s claim. Another attempt at spiritual manipulation is by using God’s Word to back up some claim. Peter warned that they “twist [Scripture] to their own destruction” (2 Peter 3:16). We need to be wary of those who pull Scripture out of context.
Sometimes a dictator pastor will emphasize his authority redlining that he’s been given authority from God to lead, and his authority is not to be challenged. That’s not what the Bible teaches. Pastors are to love, lead and shepherd the local church, not abuse it (1 Peter 5:1-4).
5. How do we handle manipulators? You shoot them (just seeing if you’re still listening). It sounds a little silly to say recognize you’re being manipulated, but you’d be surprised at how many people don’t. They’ve been manipulated for such a long time that the “doormat” life is normal. So, you must recognize that you’re being manipulated.
Be very prayerful. Dependence on God when navigating a toxic relationship is vital. It’s only with His guidance that you can you know what your best next step is.
Ask for time to think. If you feel pressured and don’t want to say no on the spot, ask for a time delay to get yourself out of the situation for the moment. Call them later, after you’ve had time to reason through your response, and then answer. A good decision today will still be a good one tomorrow.
Know yourself. When you’re dealing with a manipulative person it’s important to know yourself well. Someone who engages in a pattern of manipulation often knows your weak spots.
Set healthy boundaries. Proverbs 22:5 says, “Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. If you have a manipulator in your life, set some boundaries.
Seek wise counsel. “Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances” (Proverbs 11:14, The Message). Talk to a spiritually mature friend, a pastor or Christian counselor. An outside person can be helpful in identifying blind spots you may have.
Recognize when it’s a losing battle. When you decide to confront a manipulator stick to the facts but don’t assume motives. Stay calm, but if you’re not getting anywhere, it may be time to take a break or walk away.
What if the manipulator is you? “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). We all engage in manipulation at times. However, if you notice it’s a pattern for you, remember there is no sin too big for the cross. When you confess your sin, God is faithful to forgive and cleanse us of all sin. He is also our Helper in transforming habits and ingrained patterns.
Conclusion: Let me end with pointing out that the most dangerous manipulators are the ones who try to manipulate God. Jesus told this story in Luke 18. “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 18:10-14).
There are many individuals like that Pharisee. They think that they can somehow manipulate their way into heaven by giving, praying, being moral, obeying the ten commandments, etc. They’re only deceiving themselves.
The Bible is clear that there’s only one way to heaven – through Jesus’ cross. You must repent of your sin and believe the gospel that Jesus died for you, trusting in His sacrifice to pray the price for your sins. God can’t have His arm twisted. As Jesus said in John 14:6, “I am the way.”
Imagine a plane flying to New York from London crashing into the Atlantic a thousand miles from land. Three survivors are in an inflatable raft, but it’s got a leak. One of the three is an Olympic gold medal marathon swimmer. Then there’s the average swimmer. Finally, there’s someone who can’t swim at all. What happens?
Imagine the gold medalist saying to the other two who are with him as the boat sinks, “Watch me; I’ll show you how to get out of this.” He begins to show them how to swim. They do their best and soon all three are heading toward the coast of South America, a thousand miles away. Well, it takes about thirty seconds for the non-swimmer to go down. It takes another twenty minutes for the average swimmer to finally drown. I suppose it takes hours before the marathon champion gives out. But eventually they all go down. And that’s the point. Not one of them has a chance of reaching South America. They all need someone to rescue them. They need deliverance, a savior to come in a boat or a helicopter to rescue them.
That’s what both the Pharisee and the tax collector need. They both needed a rescuer, a Savior. You can’t make it on your own. You can’t manipulate your way to heaven. You need Jesus. He’s the only way.
My friend, have you let Jesus rescue you? Have you trusted Him? Have you committed your life to Him as your Lord and Savior? You can’t manipulate God. The Bible teaches that you must either trust Jesus as your Savior or you’ll drown in your sin. Please trust Him and let Him rescue you today!